The Weather isn't cooperating with my plans

The weather has been damp and over cast. I just can't seem to get motivated with weather like this. I'm doing a bit better this morning. It's getting colder rain is in the forcast. I have to cover the RV with the tarp as I've not been able to get the roof sealed. I've had it done twice but they keep missing a place in the back that leaks into the closet if not covered. 

I was thinking of trying to get the painting done today, but think it's too cold and wet to attempt it. I'm just going to have to cool my jets and do something else. 

I'm not very disciplined, and that's something I'm going to have to change. 

I've got to get on a schedule. When you work for yourself, sometimes you can get in a funk and not get anything done for long periods of time. I have gotten myself in a rut and I need to get back on the ball and get things done. 

Laurie and I are getting things together to take to a certain shop that is well know around here for their mystical art and having card readings on Sunday and such. One I've been going to since the 70's. Laurie has some of her seaweed people ready and I have a couple of rattles and painted feathers. I'm also going to take some of my wall hangings made with oranges, lemons and such. I've made a few more I need to take pictures of and post when I find the time.

At least we can get our art in different venues in order for it to be seen by the most people. Since Laurie and I do all kinds of different art, it's exciting to see which pieces people gravitate too. I'm anxious to see how my fruit hangings go over. I know Linda a friend of mine really loved hers, and she doesn't get excited about that much anymore. A great compliment. I used to design flowers for her flower shop in the 80's. We've been friends ever since.

In fact, she has an RV very similar to mine. She rarely takes hers out anymore if ever. Too bad. I hate to see boats, RV's, and all kinds of fun toys just sit.

I'm thinking that a canoe or kayak would be fun to have on my vision quest. A scooter would be helpful as well. They are on the wish list.

Oh dear, I just heard on the news gas is going up again. Rats! Can't seem to catch a break on that one. And I think of all the Circus' and people on the road who make their living. It really puts a dent in what you make. I know on the road I'm going to have to drive to swap-meets and such to sell my wares unless I come up with a better plan.

I'm learning to live more fugal as is Laurie. She's liking this new journey. She didn't recycle until I came along, and now takes great pride in recycling and coming home with cans and plastic. She's learned what goes in the trash and what can be recycled into something else or let the state figure it out. I love it all. 

She's also learning about recycling in kitchen. All the coffee grounds and peelings from potatoes etc go in a bucket and then go outside to the compost pile and from there to the garden. I've been growing carrots, lettus, and radishes. I love to see her face when she pulls them up for the first time. She's never had a garden. She's from Jersey if that helps. Ha ha.

We are forging again together and figuring it all out. How to live on the smallest of budgets and still have a good quality of life. As long as we have our art supplies, we are pretty happy.

Laurie and I are pretty blessed. We may not have the best but we have all we need usually. I do have to tell ya a giggle. We were down to our last roll of toilet paper half gone before our check came in the mail. Now that's being blessed! We are toilet paper queens once more...........awwwwww, life's special moments!            

Wall Hangings and Art

This is the newest wall hanging I finished this evening. It's made with blood oranges dried and sprayed and strung with beads and driftwood. I've made them with regular oranges and am going to make them with lemons tomorrow. I've got them all dried, sprayed and ready to go. All I have to do is find more driftwood. It's getting more and more of a challenge to do so. There are so many people around here anymore, and the rangers are not as tolerant of people picking things up from the beach. I was shocked when I was stopped once not very long ago and was told I couldn't gather things from the beach. Gee whiz. I thought that was what the beach was for personally.

This piece is going to a shop in Arroyo Grande as well as quite a few other pieces from me and Laurie. We've been busy getting our art ready for sale in shops. This is exciting and fun for sure. All the hard work is about to pay off. Having our art in galleries and shops for sale is a dream come true. I've sold art this way most of my life, but every time I put my things in a shop I feel so proud. My art medium is different in many ways. I make art out of things from the earth. I see art in most things really. 

Laurie has been busy putting the last minute fixes and paint on her pieces as well. The rainy season is a good time to get these type of things done for the Spring when we will do art shows. Have to have enough pieces to sell.  Blood oranges are hard for me to find, but I'm going to look around and see if I can find others that have them and buy what I can.

I'm feeling a bit better. Laurie and I have suffered this winter with being cold, sinus, headaches, aches and pains. Next year we plan on being somewhere else more warm and dry. The rainy season here on the Central Coast is rough sometimes. It is when your pain depends on the humidity as well it's those days that we don't look forward too. This is why Laurie liked Arizona so much. Not my favorite place in the summer for sure.

Speaking of Arizona, many of our friends are already in Parker or Quartsite AZ. I so wish we were there, but we have Dr. business and attorney stuff to get done before I can really take off and travel. Laurie will be joining me along the way for a few days to a couple of weeks at various spots along the way. Laurie said she'll keep the home fires burning while I go out and find new adventures.  This is perfect in my mind. Laurie will be able to do her writing and art while I'm gone and I can come  home and enjoy home life when the road gets to be too much, or I get to missin' Laurie too much. 

I want to take more pictures and more notes when I travel this time. I say that pretty much every time, and end up so tired at the end of the day from all the fun I forget to write down everything. I have to be more disciplined. 

I'm not planning on taking a TV with me. This too may change. If I could get wi-fi everywhere I wouldn't bother with a TV and watch Youtube most of the time. I'll have to see what I decide as the time gets closer to get on the road. I can always come home and pick it up if I miss it that much. But I notice since being here and home all the time, I watch more TV that I care to admit. I'm hoping this will change soon. I'm weak.

 This one is made with regular oranges

 This one is interesting because the wood is made from a cactus skeleton I found in the desert by Parker, AZ. The shells come from Morro Bay, Ca. 

Laurie and I are so blessed to be able to do our passion daily. To have someone that understands your passion for art and seeing things come together to make a piece to be proud of. 

I love to see peoples faces when they come over to our home. First of all, it's pretty humble to start off, then it's filled with everything we've made. All the art on the walls is our own, and the painting have been painted by Laurie, right down to the shades on our lamps that I've painted and made an art piece. 

It's really fun to have someone in your life that you can trust to tell you the truth whether it's what you want to hear or not, but your know it's honest. That is rare. Laurie and I have been so blessed to have found each other. We've both been through some heavy stuff in life. To know that we now have someone that we love, trust, and have to be there good, bad, and wonderful. She's been there for me while I've been pretty sick and unable to do much for myself, and for that I'll always be grateful. I've tried to give Laurie the life she deserves. She deserves to be appreciated and loved. I've waited for her all my life and want to make sure she knows how grateful I am to have her in my life. I don't take her love and devotion lightly. We are a team first and foremost. WE are FAMILY.
 

Today is friday and so far I haven't gotten any gigs for this week-end. I was sure hoping anyway. We are broke and need the money right now. 

On a lighter note, I had a nice time at the Discovery Museum in Santa Maria. They had me come and give a talk about what it's like to be a Circus Clown. I had a great time. I felt so important and like a star. Sometimes as a clown you are a star in some childs world and I love it. I love to make children smile. I enjoy it more now than ever before. 

In my early career, I was more worried about how the the shows would go, was worried about everything looking just right etc, but now it's more about the fun. As it should have been all along. I found I'm not the only clown that allowed the professionalism get in the way of the fun. I know better now. 

Work has been coming in steady. That's pretty good without any advertising. I hope to start advertising soon. Maybe get into the yellow pages. Who knows. 

Laurie is doing great so far. She's getting into her Buddhist group and goes to the meetings and is meeting all kind of neat people. I go now and then, but I'm not much to go out after dark anymore. I never understood that about others when I was young, now I get it. I just don't want to be out anymore after dark. And so many meeting take place at night. I may change this in the future, because there are so many things that I enjoy doing that go on at night. 

Laurie has been steadily doing her art. She is submitting them to different shows for sale. We'll see.I think she'd do better locally, but she has her own way of doing things, and I'm learning to just let it go and let her do her own thing. 

We have been creating a lot lately. I enjoy this very much. Laurie and I have been creating dolls from seaweed. It's nice to be able to create when you feel like it and have all the materials in order to do that. I have been dreaming of this type of life all my life. It's finally here. Just wish I was pain free in order to enjoy it better. Either way I'm good. 

I've had a hard time with emotions lately. I've not been on medication in a very long time. Last time I took some it made me mean and nasty. Yikes! I wish they could find one that works for me. There have been times when the emotional turmoil was made better by medication, so I'm hoping that will happen again soon. Poor Laurie has been so kind and understanding, I have to give it to her. But I have a feeling she's gone through this before. From the sounds of her past partners they sounded unstable to a degree. 

We are thinking of therapy for couples. We both have issues that could be addressed, and it's a thought, but so far, it's just a thought. 

I've been spending time in the RV getting it ready for the first chance to take it out. I miss living in it very much. I used to think of what it would be like to have a place again. And it's nice, but it's not the RV. I woke up in the RV ready for an adventure. In the trailer, I wake up thinking of all the shit that needs to be done. Yuck. Clean this, fix that, move those things, put that away, do this do that, it's just too much of that and not enough getting out as I once did. I'm not much for domestic bliss as they call it. I'd rather be on the road exploring. And I hope to do that again soon.

Laurie really enjoys being at home. She's so much like my Mother at times it's almost scary. She like my Mother enjoyed being at home watching TV and just putzing around. I get it. It's safe. I want Laurie to feel safe. If nothing else, she's safe with me. I want her to be happy and content, and it seems this is happening for her. That makes me happy.

It's a small trailer, so we are trying to find places for everything. My clowning career can take up an entire room in itself. So, it's been kinda hard to get things in place. It all takes time I suppose. 

We couldn't live in a better place. Safe and clean. The pool is wonderful as well as the people around here. It's much different than other mobile home parks I've been in. I've seen terrible turmoil in places like this when some are allowed to bully others. Glad to be here. It could have been terrible. To buy a place, you have to sell it if you want to move. That makes things harder. 

There are a few places for sale here now. I have a friend that is looking for a safe place to be that is cheaper than her place. This is it. I'm trying to talk to her about coming here. She lives in Bakersfield. Yuck! Who would live there? It's such a terrible place. Dirty, hot, and just plain yucky. But glad there are people that love it, as there are too many people here locally.

I've just found out that another person I don't care for has just moved back into the area. I thought we were done with her. I saw her at Pride. Geeze. Amberlyn has caused to much crap in the Gay community, they were glad when she left. Whatever happened in San Diego didn't work or something because she's back. ARF. She started rumors about me, that went viral and I've not been able to stand her since. She didn't have the nerve to come to me in person and say she had a problem with me, she went behind my back. Unexceptable in my book. But I'm not going to let it stop me from doing anything I choose. After all I know what people really think of her, and she's just another person that is trying to muck her way through life. She just has a negative way of going about it.

Funny how things come and go in waves. I've just re-connected with some people I've been friends with over 30 years. I'm hoping to see them and talk to them and get better connected with them and stay connected. Now, that I live in the area again, I'm going to re-connect with those that have been a good influence in my life. I've neglected my friendships, and I don't want to do that anymore. The older I get the more important the people are in my life. 

I guess I let Judy W and that group of friends go because they were connected to a point with my ex Judy and Rick P. I don't want any further dealings with the ponds clan, so I locked out of my life anyone that was associated with them in any way. It was easier to do it that way while I was mourning my son. It's hard enough losing a son, let alone having to deal with heartless ex-in-laws. I'm just glad most of the hurt feeling are starting to fade some. 

I just thought that when you lose someone like a son, that people would be coming over, cooking, or doing something like what I see on TV. Caring, calling, cards. I got NONE of that. I didn't have anyone come over and do anything for me. I just mourned alone. I went through most everything major alone. Which tells me what a strong person I really am ALONE. I have more friends than most, but for some reason, no one felt the need to help me through my sons death. I noticed that most people just avoid the conversation of my son. Weird really. I don't get it, but I've never been able to understand people. Some people showed up for the Celebration of life for Cory when I had it at Avila Beach. Two people showed up that weren't even invited Pat and Ronnie Ponds and brought beer no less!!!!!! I was horrified, and that was the end of the relationship with them. I've not had anything to do with them since. I was friends and a relative to them for over 30 years. Sometimes you have to walk away from those that don't have your best interest at heart! 

I've missed them at times, but not really very much. Not like I thought I would. First of all, I got a clear mind now to see what was happening around me that I just let go and didn't do anything about. I now realize what a terrible relationship I had with these people. I thought they were helping me.  was so wrong. Pat started being so mean to Ronnie, I couldn't stand to be around them anymore. Pat would start drinking early and by noon be drunk and mean. Funny when we first met she didn't drink or smoke anything. Now, she does it all. Sad to s

Another Year gone A New Dawn Arises

As this year comes to an end one can't help reflect about events that has occurred. As a Nation we just went through one of the worse school shootings ever in PA. It seems there are so many shootings these days, everyone says 'which one'. It's all so sad to me, that as a Nation we can't trust our schools to be safe anymore. I thought we were progressing for the betterment of man and it seems the more knowledge we have the more violence we have as well. We have always been a violent bunch but with all this mental illness going on, it's really taken it's toll on us. If we could deal with our mentally ill in a human manner that would be a beginning.

I know it's a big issue with me and many of my friends. We see how others are treated around us, and quite frankly even myself. I've gone in for help many times to be turned away. I had one place in WA state that I went in with serious problems I needed help with, just for them to tell me they didn't have anyone qualified to help me. In other words, they told me that they didn't have anyone on staff that was gay or knew about gay issues so therefore they couldn't help me. I sat there 2 hours to be told that in the end. I could see how people go 'postal'.

I've never been able to get any kind of counseling. I've tried for many years, and still to this day haven't been able to find any kind of help. I went to Cal Poly for a bit. I was counseled by a student. I found it uncomfortable and didn't go back after two tries. She was just too young to understand anything I was going through and she was way too beautiful. I found myself looking at her and thinking how lovely she was rather than concentrate on what I was talking about. So, that one I failed to used to my full advantage.

I just wish we could get a better system in place for those that need help. People feel helpless and with a mental illness it makes everything seem worse than it is by the most part. I know someone myself that has mental illness that is living on the streets. I actually know a few. It's so sad but there isn't any funds for them and as long as they don't cause a fuss people ignore them.

This past year has really gone fast. I've been reflecting on what got done and what didn't. Now, I'm trying to get plans in the works for this coming year. Laurie has been steadily going forward with her plans and she's about as happy as they come. She is making progress with her Buddhist group and is becoming a leader. I'm so proud of her. She seems to be flourishing here and making friends. This is definitely the place she was meant to be for now. She's been working on her new book, and I'm so happy for her. She has the back bedroom in order to have privacy and be able to have quiet when necessary.

I've been writing a bit on my book but not seriously as I should. I've been sidetracked with friends and family visiting. These are the times I love, when I can talk and cook for my friends. It's been so much fun to be able to cook for family and my friend Tree. I made some chili the other day and it's about gone. I also include our neighbor in our 'pots of gold' as I call them. I love to make pots of food and share. I'm like the little Italian lady that keeps telling ya to eat some more. I'm happiest when people are sitting around talking and eating my food.

One reason I haven't been writing as I used too, is that I don't have the same writing ability I had before my brain injury. I don't write as eloquent as I once did darn it. I sometimes read some of my writings before the fall, and they are so thoughtful and well written, it's hard to believe that I was the one that actually wrote it. I guess I'm writing this blog mainly to get some of that back. Hope you can bare with me on this one.

I've had people contact me and tell me they appreciate my honesty when it comes to opening up my life and telling honestly as best I can about things going on in my life. I do it sometimes to let others know, we aren't perfect people and it takes a lifetime sometimes for some of us to get the clue and it's the journey that is really important. I know since my son died in 09 I've come the furthest in my life. It was a total wake up call for this gal. Wish it hadn't taken such a harsh reality check to straighten me out, but sometimes that's what it takes.

I've been more careful who I've let in my life, and I'm still weeding out people. I've let a few more go this past month that have been in my life a very long time. I've decided that superficial relationships aren't worth my effort anymore. I want to put my efforts toward people that are truly important to my life and stop with all the rest. I realize how short life is now, and don't want to waste anymore time on those that don't have the time for me.

I've been so foolish when it comes to others. I've given and given and for so many they really didn't care about me, just what they could get out me. I've been very co-dependent most of my life and really have to try to keep it in check. I was brought up that way. It's hard to change a lifetime of habit, but it must be done.

I've been sad recently about all the violence and killing around the world. I feel helpless and wish I could do something to help.

Laurie said to me I need to find what I want to do and then go out and do it. I know what I want to do, I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. I've decided to really work hard on 'my project' and see about it coming to life.

I've been hinting around about it, and finally going to try to put it in action. I want to travel and do a year (or more) of service then write a book about it. That is my goal. I would like to travel whenever life takes me on the road and wherever I land I want to go into town and find out where the senior homes are, as well as anyone else that could benefit a giggle or two and see about showing up and just doing it. I want to make balloon animals all over the US and live on donations. I think that would be a hoot. People are so generous and wonderful I know it would work.

I don't want to get famous or have TV coverage, just want to get out there and see the world and help along the way. A year of Service. They say be the change you wish to see in the world, well, I am going to do just that. I have a talent and can use it for the betterment of the world, so why not? I don't feel the need to work and build a home or anything of the like. I've raised my kids and done all I was 'supposed' to do in life as they say, now I want to do what I want to do. Funny how you get older and you don't care what others think anymore, it's about the journey and what YOU think. Wish I'd picked  up on that years ago.

I

More trauma for our schools

Oh my goodness, watching the news in these times is so hard to do. Now we have another school shooting and it's unfolding as we speak. As far as this writing there are 20 children gunned down and 8 adults I believe. I'm dumbfounded. I don't even know what to think anymore.

It is things like this that bring out the crazies! People wanting to blame the democrats, and the democrats blame the republicans, who want to blame the lobbyists who want to blame, well, you get the picture. As for myself, I blame the one picking up the gun in the first place.

I've finally had to un-friend some people on my Facebook page. I guess I'm getting less tolerant of the Christian people.

When Friends come to visit

Girlfriend time

My friend Tree is here. I was visiting a friend of mine when I got the call that another friend of mine is there in Santa Maria with Laurie. Fun! I was having a girlfriend time is what I call it when I go stay with a friend and we eat popcorn and watch TV in our jammies, and just have a great time as you did when you were girl friends in your teens or kids. Lots of adults forget how to play or get too involved in life and forget to just play. 

Dory is so sweet. She'll have me over when I feel overwhelmed with life in general to offer me a time of not having to worry about much of anything. I go to work with her, and just enjoy my time alone. I have my own room. I can watch TV, eat up there, enjoy a wink and nudge. She cooks for me and has coffee for me in the morning. It's nice to be able to enjoy an early morning cup of coffee with a friend. Laurie and I enjoy different times of day. Laurie is a night owl and I'm an early bird. Laurie doesn't drink coffee either, so times like this are important to me. 

I got to walk all around Santa Margarita and found there is an auction house there I used to go too many years ago. In fact, I found a gal there I had sort of a crush on only to find out she wasn't gay, so that didn't go very far. It could have, but I wasn't into recruiting. She actually called me a few more times, but I decided it wasn't something I wanted to get involved in at the time. Good choice.

I told Dory my friend Tree was here, and she understood. So to put a plan in play to go to the movies and see "Lincoln". What a great movie. A time in history that needs to be remembered among many.  From there we went to Chinese food and it was FANTASTIC as usual. We went to China Gourmet on Grand and 4th in Oceano. It's got the best sweet and sour soup ever! I love the place and we go there whenever possible. If we lived closer I know it would take a toll on our budget. 

We have so many wonderful memories with great friends. I feel bad for those that don't have anyone to enjoy life with. I've had pretty much the same friends for many years. The only reason you are out of my life is due to your behavior against me or the like. I'm not perfect, nor are my friends, but we accept each other as we are with whatever quirks go along with that. There are times that we have to take breaks from each other, but basically we know we aren't mean spirited toward each other. We want to see each other succeed and have a happy life. No mean girls here. They have been weeded out. I once saw someone that was close to me enjoy my moment of pain and realized right then and there, not everyone in my life should be.

In this life, we learn who to trust and who to run from. Another great lesson to learn is to not let what others think even ruin one moment of your life. I don't anymore. 

I was born a people pleaser. Sometimes it comes forward, but I catch myself and correct it as soon as possible. I don't need to take any abuse from anyone, and don't want anyone in my life that would treat me that way. 

I love my friends and misfits as some call them. I have a collection of wonderfully inventive and artistic people on earth. At least my little plot of the earth.  Loving and accepting of myself and others like me. When I hear from others why they have me in their life, I'm amazed and think they are talking about someone else. It's hard to accept that we are actually wonderful and people love us for who we are authentically. Gee, if that doesn't humble you I don't know what else will. It's what we all look for in others. To accept us, and love us regardless or because of who we are. Nice.

DEVON CALLED AND THANKED ME

I got the call from Devon the other day that made me cry. He called to tell me 
he thinks of me, and he wanted to thank me for all I did for him, and that he realizes how much I did for him while he lived here. He also realizes that I truly care about him and want to see him succeed. I wish of course that he would be the one that would raise my grandchildren with Tamara, but I could see that it wasn't going to happen. I was so sad to see he and Tamara break up but it had to happen I suppose. It is what it is. I had to learn to accept it and stay good with them both.
He said he was done with Tamara and was going to just concentrate on his life and getting a car, a place to live and move forward with a new sense of freedom. 


He said he was so thankful for his job and Steve teaching him a trade he can use anywhere he goes. He and Steve are buddies and that is what he needed. Someone that could take him under his wing and teach me a thing or two about life. Steven is the one. They are a lot a like. So this is so nice. 

He also said he'd get the part and fix the car! Sweet! He said that was the least he could do for all the times I'd get up and take him to work and then come pick him up. Take them to the store, and laundry etc. We did use the car a lot. So, this is a big burden off my shoulders. I am blessed.

Laurie is so sweet during all of this. I think being with me has opened her eyes to so much! First of all to all the people I know from all different backgrounds. But also, that they are such heartfelt wonderfully authentic people, who have made their mistakes, and have learned, to be able to teach others and help others on their journeys. 
 
Tauria and Rusty are wonderful people who have helped so many in their journey with me alone. If that makes sense. I have asked them to tell their story to many of those in my life in order to give understanding that people have such wonderful stories that start out going down one road and ending up going down an entirely new road and it turning out to be the BEST road after all. 

Devon calling came full circle with me and even my own son. Devon being one of Cory's best friends, I see a lot of the same traits in him that Cory once had. I am doing what would make Cory so proud and that is what he was trying to convey to others and that is, I accept people as they are and do my best to understand, and when I feel I'm wrong, I'll say so, and move on. I want to understand. I keep my heart open as best I can. I miss my son greatly as he had an open heart too, and at times he couldn't handle it and did what he thought he had to do in order to survive. He saw what I did to survive and though it was the way to cope. Sad. wish I'd been there more for him. 

Devon's parents aren't able to be there for him, but he said I am, and that works for him. I'm so thrilled to be in his life and have a positive role. Nice. I'm proud.

Back to my friend Tree. As I write now, she is trying to figure out how to fix my bathroom sink from dripping. She's working so hard on getting it right. How sweet is that? It's been fun having her here. We haven't really had time to get out and do anything due to the weather, but when it clears, I can see us getting out and perhaps going to Avila, or Guatalupe Beach. She needs to see that. She's actually thinking of moving here for awhile. That would be sweet for sure. Another friend to have close. I think she'd like it here.  Tree has met Dory and likes her, and this week-end she'll be meeting Tauria and Rusty during the BBQ. This will be a lot of fun. I think Tree is in need of a few new friends, and I just so happen to have a few for her to meet. Works out perfectly as it should be.

People have come and gone in my life just at the right time. I'm sure many of you have found this in your life as well. Interesting I think. And somehow in my life some have stayed way longer than I  had wished. But it's all in the pudding now I suppose. But either way my life has been enriched. 

  
       

Wonderful Rain

Today has been a lazy day and a great day as well. It's been raining on and off all day. I have been incredibly lazy.

Yesterday was a very busy day. I had two parties. One in Paso Robles at the Children's Museum. I had a blast. It's a great museum and wish I could have taken my Grand kids while they where here. Oh well, I did the best I could while the where here taking them wherever I could think of that didn't cost an arm and a leg.

I am glad they are home and doing great. Tamara has contacted me on Facebook and kept me up to date as to what is going on in her life. She has some challenges coming up in the next few days. Hope it all comes out alright. She is definitely in my prayers. Sometimes we make mistakes that we regret for life. I am hoping this won't be one for her. It's hard being in this world. So many things are pulling you here and there, and if you don't have a good support system and good education you can fall victim to all kinds of trouble. Which was her case.

Super Soul Sunday was wonderful this morning. I look forward to Sundays just for that reason. I have Laurie hooked on to them too now. She went to her Buddhist meeting and then came home and watched it. I'm glad she is connecting to the Buddhist group here. They have been looking for new blood to make leaders and have someone else do things besides the same people. I understand that. So, Laurie is going to leadership meetings and things are coming together for her.

I know she wishes I'd go with her, but I have a big problem with chanting in another language I don't understand and have a hard time pronouncing let alone understanding. To chant to a piece of paper on the wall, all the rituals that go along with it all. It just doesn't ring true to me and makes me uncomfortable, so I no longer attend. Wish I could do it, and go along, but I've not been able to do that all my life. I've tried religions of all sorts and none of them complete what I need.

The only way I've found to be comfortable for me is 'Native' type worship. I don't believe on getting on your knees and praying with bowed head. I believe in holding your head high and opening your arms and speaking. Native way seems more authentic than anything I've tried. I pray outside because it's my temple. I don't need millions to maintain it's just natural. Church is just too uncomfortable for me. It's too conforming. Too much like sheep following sheep. I've struggled with religions all my life. I've decided to stop and not be part, but to do what feel natural to me. I don't mind visiting and learning what all people believe and how it works for them, but I get offended when they tell me my way is wrong and I must do it their way in order to find  GOD.

I feel my relationship with The Great Spirit is full circle. I now take the time to listen. The animals teach me, and I know I'm never alone. Even as a child when I was by myself so much, I knew I was not alone. I had animals to play with in the wild. Somewhere somehow I found an animal. They have been my friends since the beginning. Thus, the reason Pickles is so important to me. Sometimes animals understand when people cannot.

I'm really working on trying to accept everyone's belief system no matter how bizarre. If it works for them and doesn't cause harm, I don't see a problem with it. I want to learn. But when it comes to the Bible, I have  a big problem. Since so much of my life people have used it to be mean spirited and judgmental. I know there are many wonderful stories in the Bible. But I believe them to be stories. Stories meant to teach not literal and meant to be taken as such. But that is just my opinion.

What I do know is that I'm incredibly blessed and the more I know the more I feel comfortable in my skin. Those around me are the cream of the crop as far as I'm concerned and I'm so grateful for everything.

Being grateful for your life and everything in it, has been my saving grace. When I bought my grateful journal many years ago in San Francisco, I find that it changed the way I thought of my life. I would and still do write in it daily. It helps me realize all the wonderful things and people I have in my life. I may not have brand new this or that, but I have everything I have ever wanted pretty much.

I'd love to be able to travel more. If I'm patient I know it will happen. As Laurie get's more and more roots here, I got worried, but we talked about this, and it's ok for me to travel alone. I sometimes prefer it. Laurie and I have different ideas about travel. I like to boondock, and Laurie likes having all the amenities. So, it's good to get away from each other at times and just do what you want. No problem.

I would like to get Solar put on the roof. I thought about getting Devon to help with this should I be able to buy this any time soon. I want to be able to travel with the least amount of having to be connected. I'd love it. To save all that money. I like to cook solar and have many times while on the road.

The more Youtube video's I watch the more excited I get about doing this or that. Youtube is one of the most wonderful things on the net. People post just about everything you can think about. I've been using it to learn new balloon animals.

I've thought about just going on the road and just entertain in every town. I know I want to go to all the Senior homes like I did while on the road with the Circus. I really want to give back and devote my life from now on to others. To be in service to others is such a wonderful feeling and it's a gift that keeps on giving.

I've had people recently tell me the impact I had on their lives. I never knew. How wonderful. Now, I just want to do more.

Namaste'