Love my Super Soul Sunday

I truly look forward to Sundays to watch Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. It's kind of my church without going anywhere.

I watch Sunday Morning on CBS, then off to Oprah. I make my coffee, get myself settled for a few hours of being inspired by teachers. I'm not able to talk physically with many of my teachers, so this is the best way I know how to get the wisdom I'm seeking. It has changed the way I think and feel about so much lately.

I re-read some of the things I've written and I have a tendency to change the thoughts when I move forward and get a better understanding. I'm not going to do that anymore. I am going to go back and see how my journey is changing. I already see it. Just a few months ago, I see my growth. My understanding. I'm softening, and coming into myself, my authentic self.

I had a lady contact me about my blog and said she was so impressed that I was willing to be so honest about my faults etc. I figure I might as well. Everyone else can see them, I can't deny them anymore, so it's best to acknowledge it, and try to do better. If you deny the things you've done and said, then you aren't being authentic. I've done many many things I wish I hadn't.  But everything has a cause and effect. I'm evolving, and will continue to do as long as I am engaged in life. I suppose I don't mind putting myself out there because I really don't mind if someone says negative things, I just figure it's about them not me. I've grown a thick skin throughout the years.

If me telling my story has helped anyone I'm thrilled. This is part of my journey. I've pretty much made every mistake you could in life, and am still here to talk about it, acknowledge it, and heal from it. It's been a very tough journey in many ways. Mostly self inflicted pain, but either way, it's the journey I've chosen to become the person I'm am. I recognize that I have a LONG way to go, but the aha moments are coming so fast sometimes, that I have to sit down and take a breath. Just to think I could have known all this before if I'd taken the time to stop and learn. I was so busy in auto pilot that I didn't stop to do much. Anything rather than feel, and heal.

All of this serves a purpose. I asked for this journey. I knew it would be hard, painful, and long, BUT I am willing to do it to learn the lessons coming to me. Thank you.

I wish this for my daughter as well. She has to come to her own healing in her own time. I wish I could make it happen overnight and be over for her and she can move forward healed and with a different attitude. But it will happen in it's due time. It's just hard to know all the pain she's going through due to her own decisions. I want to help, take away the pain, and give her a big hug, but it's not to be at this time. I pray for her deep in my soul as only a Mother can. Heidi doesn't know it, but I learn from her daily. For this I thank her.

I haven't written off my daughter. When I said I was done, what I meant by that was I am done with her abuse and the craziness she calls life. I can no longer allow her to use and abuse me. I can't be part of her life right now, and that makes me sad. I love her as only a Mother can. I want the best  for her, but I've been an enabler way too long, and this is where it's gotten us today. We both need to heal, learn our lessons, and perhaps down the road connect again in a healthier way, and with love in our hearts. I love her more than she'll ever know at this time. But she knows deep down I do love her and want the best for her. It's just her anger that won't all ow for her healing.

It took me a very long time to understand so much, so I understand her journey and why it's taking so long. But as a parent you want to take away the pain, but it's what she will have to go through in order to get the lessons, apply them and really do the work on herself and life. It's painful.  But my prayers daily help with that struggle.

I said a prayer for you at the beach my daughter. Did you feel it? Do you know how much you are loved? I hope so. I  hope you have good people around you. I wish for you swift understanding and healing. Your Mother continues to love you and want the best always. Take care my child until we meet again, either here or in the next life.

 

Listening to Ram Dass

I discovered Ram Dass in 2009 after losing Cory in one of the darkest times of my life. 

I was at a thrift store looking for new music or a video. I found these cassette tapes that were suppose to be inspirational. I thought it sounded good. I'd never heard of him nor this foundation. But I'm always open to a good mind.

I was immediately take with him and his message. So simple and good. Easy to understand. It made sense. I listened to the tapes over and over. I think there were something like 10 or so. I would listen to them day and night as I puttered in my garden there in Nipomo. 

That is where I did all my healing. This is where my life changed forever. It was a most beautiful place to be to heal and learn. It was quiet, remote, and no one to bother me for weeks on end if it were my choice. And it was my choice quiet often. I needed to be alone in order to think, heal, and figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. 

How could I honor my son as I moved forward. I learned the best way to honor my son was to be the very best person I could possibly be. This was a goal, and still is to this day.  But with one exception. I'm also being the best person I can be for MYSELF.

Finally understanding that it's ok to do things for myself. It's whats needed to nurture the new me. To take better care in all I do. From what is said, to how my time is used, to how I conduct myself outside the home. 

Knowing you have a purpose is the beginning of a wonderful journey. I didn't really have a plan in life, just going to and fro, without a care. Being a bit more mature now, goals change. My goal now, is to help all those around me I can on their journey. So many have helped me to get where I am. Selfishly, I don't think I appreciated all my gifts at the time.   

Learning to be grateful was one of the best gifts given me. With that mindset, I've been able to move forward with such peace and a full heart. Once you realize how blessed you are, and how much it took to bring you where you are today, it's mind blowing.  So many helped with the journey.

Many wonderful friends along the way. Some are gone now. One I was thinking of today was Rick Whitlock. I have had a great time telling Laurie stories of him. He was such a wonderful teacher to me. I don't know if he ever realize how much I hung on his every word. I know he liked to teach. I'd listen to his stories of the Native Americans. He has a book I loved that he'd rarely let me read/touch, called Iktome. I've never found another one like it. Ricks son now has it. When I babysat for him, I'd read it as much as possible. 

Rick has long passed away, but his impact on my life has always been with me. He still comes to me in dreams. I'm grateful for that. His spirit is very important to me. His widow is one of my oldest friends and we keep in contact.  We often go to Chinese. It's there we can exchange stories of Rick and have a great laugh. Our last dinner was fabulous. Full of memories, laughter as we told Laurie and Dory all the antics Rick could get himself into. He was one of a kind, and I'm proud to have know him.

Ram Dass reminds me of Rick at times. Many people that I listen too all seem to have a common denominator, forgive, love more, talk less, and don't take yourself so seriously. Of course, there is more, but basically this is what they are trying to convey.  Also acceptance. That is important. It was a lesson important to me anyway.

Be happy with what you have and be grateful for all the lessons. Not just the ones that 'feel good'.    I've found the harder the lesson, the bigger the breakthrough. In 09, I didn't think I was going to make it at times, because the breakthroughs were coming so fast and furious. My knowledge has been accelerated. The reason I think that is, because it took so long to get my heart open. My closed heart caused my knowledge to have to wait until I was willing to listen, and learn. I'm a stubborn cuss!

Grateful The Great Spirit didn't give up, and has allowed me to live the kind of life I deserve. We all deserve to live a happy and drama free life. There was a time in my life the drama was better in my own life than on the soap operas. Not anymore. There is peace in our home. Harmony. Trust, love, acceptance, and genuine caring. I'm not used to these things. 

Laurie was promised to me when I was in my coma and I was in the hospital in Arroyo Grande Hospital. I spent 5 days in a coma. I'd died a couple of times during those five days. I wasn't really there mentally. I was only there physically. 

I crossed over. I've only told a few people. My doctor being one. It isn't something you spill out at a party, or tell to just anyone. Sounds too silly/crazy you name it. But it did happen, all the things came true that were told to me. But this isn't the first time for me. 

I was told of Corys death when I was out one time due to a seizer. (My spelling check won't work darn it). I fell and broke the bones under my right eye, and sustained brain damage I found out later. I didn't know then nor do I know now what happened or how long I was out. It was terrible.  Blood everywhere, and I didn't even know it happened to me. I can't really explain it, but that moment started my journey to where I am at this time. We learn so much when such a tragedy happens in our lives. Losing a son, your only son, is life changing. 

I am now able to relate to other grieving parents. I thought before this I could. Live and learn. Until it's happened to you, it's impossible to  understand. When you've developed a person inside you for 9 months, then give birth, hear their first cry, raise them, watch them become an adult, have hopes and dreams for that child, to lose it all in a breath. It takes the wind out of your sail for a bit. For some, it takes it out forever.

Cory doesn't want that for me, and I don't want it for myself. If I can inspire another person to not give up, to more forward, learn and forgive,then I'm thrilled. I've tried to keep my dignity where there was none at his death. It's important. Because of that dignity I didn't attend his funeral. He was with me anyway I didn't have to go look at his body go into the ground. 

I needed to be quiet. I needed to learn to live without my only son. I needed to start to heal, forgive, and just trust that The Great Spirit knew what I needed to get past this terrible tragedy. Forgiveness has been my hardest lesson. Getting there.  

My ego kept me for a long time from the kind of healing I needed to help me move forward with my life without my son. I wanted revenge, I wanted to get mad at the person that did this. I wanted lash out to anyone that I could. Not anymore. I'm past that now. 

Change your thoughts change your life. That is a title by "Dr. Wayne Dyer". Another teacher. This helped me really heal. I did change the way I looked at this situation. No longer to blame, get revenge, rant, rave and just go nuts. Some do, I could very easily have done that as well. But I was given so many things to calm me down in my mind. Reading his book and living it as best I can has helped me I think more than any other book ever. If you think differently about everything, you can get past pretty much anything. 

I'm working on myself daily. I want to be the best person I can possibly be, for myself, and for those around me, and again for those that put so much time into helping me be who I am. I'm so grateful. Thank you! 

Namaste'    

   

  

Good Friendships are worth their weight in Gold!

Have you ever had one of those days where you are so happy and content with the way you spent your day, that all you can do at the end of the day is grin. That would be today.

My friend Dory came over today. We have been good friends now for about 10 years. I have to say we have been through just about everything together. She's held me up when I didn't think I could make it, and I've helped her through some rough spots. All in all, we are good friends, we trust each other, and we know that we have each others back. I feel comfortable with her, and she with me. 

Plus, her dog Scottie Dean is my dog Pickles boyfriend. They have close since they were both small and their friendship has grown as well. It's so sweet to see how they greet each other and play. Dory and I get great pleasure in watching them play and interact.

We took them to the dog park here at Waller Park in Santa Maria. Nice park. I've meet all kinds of interesting people there (dogs too). After they had played out, we went home.

I stared to make dinner. I decided on hamburgers, potato rounds, and jello.  I also had fruit pops. But before all that, we went for a swim. We have a heated pool, so it makes it nice. We had a wonderful swim. Talked and talked. We always have a good laugh somewhere in the mix. Laurie didn't feel like swimming so she stayed home with the dogs. They aren't allowed in the pool area. 

I feel so happy and content. We had a wonderful meal together all of us. We talked, laughed, and enjoyed a little wink nudge, and life is VERY good.

She loved what we did with the living room. She gave us our entertainment center which is very small just perfect for our living room. She also loved the aquarium filled with beautiful fish. I think the grand kids are gonna love it too. 

Went to Wal-mart and took back the stuff I didn't want for the aquarium. I filled it with sea shells and have a light on it, and that seems to work just fine. I give them air, and it's clear so, it's all going good.

Sometimes, I just have to reflect at how crazy my life once was. I didn't know how to live my life in peace. I had to learn to own what I'd done with my life, and not done, and move forward with a better understanding that I did the best I could with what I knew them. I know better now, so I do better.

That is another thing that Dory was good at letting me know, and that was  about my progress. I would beat myself up all the time about my decisions, and she would tell me to cut it out, that enough people around me had beat me up enough, it was time to heal, take responsibility, and do better. And that is exactly what I've done. It wasn't easy. It was agonizing at times to realize what my own behavior had done to my life, and those around me. 

But that is what life is all about. That is why it's easy for me to help Tamara my daughter in law. She's lived in a fish bowl long enough.  She's had enough people beat her up, it's time she get out here and be herself and let her make her mistakes if she does without someone there to tell her all about it. It's important that young people make mistakes without being beat in the ground about it. Of course, there are some mistakes that are hard to forgive, but Tamara isn't in that category for me at least. My own daughter unfortunately did cross that line. I'm feel bad for my daughter but she has much to learn and prove before I would allow her near me again.

On the other hand Tamara has always treated me with respect, and love. Has allowed me access to my Grand children at all times. Never made me feel badly for loving my Grandkids. She hasn't lied to me, or been mean spirited in any way ever. I have often told her she's the daughter I've been praying for, so I'm blessed to have her in my life. Cory picked a good one. Is she perfect no, no one is. She's young and learns from her mistakes. That's what life is about.  Good for her I say. I just want to be a good Mother-in-law/Grandma. I don't want to be over baring. Or tell her what to do, but as I told her, I'll give her advice from my years of learning, but she ultimately has to make the decisions that are best for her and her family. I will respect that. 

I am hoping Tamara will find herself a good friend here. She needs that. I want to also get her in a hospice class so she can mourn Cory properly and be able to move forward without baggage and totally free to love again. I know she has Devon right now. I am hoping that finally mourning Cory and getting validation for how she has been feeling and that she isn't alone, I think that will make a big difference in her life and her love life as well. I hope so. 

I know Cory would have wanted her to be happy and make a good life for herself and her children. Cory made his life decisions and many weren't good decisions. Some of the last ones cost him his life. He wasn't surrounded by those that supported family life, he was surrounded by heavy drinkers, druggies, and very negative people. His choice, but when many are close relatives it's hard to stay away. 

I think the biggest regret I have in life is not continuing my life as a single parent. I gave in and allowed the kids to see their dad because I grew up without really getting to know mine, so that is what drove me to want them to have a relationship with his side of the family. It ended up costing him his life. But things happen as they should according to Gods plan, so I have to respect that. After all, his death is what changed my life forever for the better. 

Made me re-evaluate my own life. I stopped drinking to get drunk and forget the past and took responsibility for my own part in Corys death. I had a hand in it too. He grew up seeing me drink too much, to solve my own problems with the bottle. I didn't grow up with drinking around me. None. I inherited from my father who was Native and we all know how that turns out. 


My quality of life from 09 to now, I can't even begin to tell you the difference. I still pinch myself because I'm so content now and happy. I don't feel deeply depressed. I don't take anymore meds for depression. I have a new out look on life. Of course, much of it has to do with being in a coma for a week in the hospital in 09. That week in the hospital is one of the most life changing moments in my life. I had so many of them in 09. That was the change that year that started this lifestyle now. 

I took a year sabbatical and read every book I could get my hands on that I thought would help me. It worked. I stayed quiet, no tv. I meditated, prayed, cried, and I mean the Oprah ugly cry!!! I blamed, I was mad, I was upset, I was this and that. But in the long run, I was done with the life that wasn't working for me anymore. I took a good look at myself, and didn't like what I saw anymore. I wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be at that age. 

So, it was time to make changes. I've never regretted that year. I don't regret all I went through with Corys death. I no longer blame Deana (Corys fathers wife) for killing Cory. I actually feel really bad for her. Can't image being her and I know about her personally after all she's married to my ex-husband of 22 years. She's wife #3. I keep her in my prayers and I'm not being mean spirited. I know she has a tough life with her own son and the things going on in her life, and to have caused the death of another womans only son....I can't image what goes through her mind. Altho' I've never had contact with her since Cory's death I pray she is able to find a place of peace someday and I think if she would just write me a note someday, she may be able to heal. I know it would help with my own healing. I'm doing ok, but think it would be 'nice' if she'd even given me a little consideration during his death and burial. But I'm thinking she was so hurt and ashamed, she couldn't bring herself to contact me and now feels it's too hard. Perhaps she just doesn't care, I don't know. At this point as I said all I can do is keep her in my prayers.

I used to live such a troubled life. I as so angry for so long. Glad that is over with. Glad I'm able to finally move forward some. Writing it all down helps. Having a voice here gives me the voice I didn't have in 09 after Corys death. In order to keep my dignity in tact, I had to stay quiet and just pray. My old life would have wanted revenge and would have lashed out. I'm just not going to life my life like that. I want peace and harmony in my life. So, I had to learn to forgive and know that eventually the hurt will subside and I can learn to live without my only son.  No easy at first. But as time goes by, it's getting easier.

Having Corys kids around will help with the healing I'm sure. Little Caden looks so much like Cory when he was that age, it's like watching Cory grow up again. Big difference...the accent...ha ha. All my grandkids have a very thick Southern accent. It's adorable according to Grandma. I love being called MaMaw Lisa. Fun fun fun.  I have so much more to learn, and I'm finally becoming the calm, peaceful person I've always wanted to be. Takes a lot of work, but it's worth ever bit of struggle it was and is. Namaste'