I know it's a big issue with me and many of my friends. We see how others are treated around us, and quite frankly even myself. I've gone in for help many times to be turned away. I had one place in WA state that I went in with serious problems I needed help with, just for them to tell me they didn't have anyone qualified to help me. In other words, they told me that they didn't have anyone on staff that was gay or knew about gay issues so therefore they couldn't help me. I sat there 2 hours to be told that in the end. I could see how people go 'postal'.
I've never been able to get any kind of counseling. I've tried for many years, and still to this day haven't been able to find any kind of help. I went to Cal Poly for a bit. I was counseled by a student. I found it uncomfortable and didn't go back after two tries. She was just too young to understand anything I was going through and she was way too beautiful. I found myself looking at her and thinking how lovely she was rather than concentrate on what I was talking about. So, that one I failed to used to my full advantage.
I just wish we could get a better system in place for those that need help. People feel helpless and with a mental illness it makes everything seem worse than it is by the most part. I know someone myself that has mental illness that is living on the streets. I actually know a few. It's so sad but there isn't any funds for them and as long as they don't cause a fuss people ignore them.
This past year has really gone fast. I've been reflecting on what got done and what didn't. Now, I'm trying to get plans in the works for this coming year. Laurie has been steadily going forward with her plans and she's about as happy as they come. She is making progress with her Buddhist group and is becoming a leader. I'm so proud of her. She seems to be flourishing here and making friends. This is definitely the place she was meant to be for now. She's been working on her new book, and I'm so happy for her. She has the back bedroom in order to have privacy and be able to have quiet when necessary.
I've been writing a bit on my book but not seriously as I should. I've been sidetracked with friends and family visiting. These are the times I love, when I can talk and cook for my friends. It's been so much fun to be able to cook for family and my friend Tree. I made some chili the other day and it's about gone. I also include our neighbor in our 'pots of gold' as I call them. I love to make pots of food and share. I'm like the little Italian lady that keeps telling ya to eat some more. I'm happiest when people are sitting around talking and eating my food.
One reason I haven't been writing as I used too, is that I don't have the same writing ability I had before my brain injury. I don't write as eloquent as I once did darn it. I sometimes read some of my writings before the fall, and they are so thoughtful and well written, it's hard to believe that I was the one that actually wrote it. I guess I'm writing this blog mainly to get some of that back. Hope you can bare with me on this one.
I've had people contact me and tell me they appreciate my honesty when it comes to opening up my life and telling honestly as best I can about things going on in my life. I do it sometimes to let others know, we aren't perfect people and it takes a lifetime sometimes for some of us to get the clue and it's the journey that is really important. I know since my son died in 09 I've come the furthest in my life. It was a total wake up call for this gal. Wish it hadn't taken such a harsh reality check to straighten me out, but sometimes that's what it takes.
I've been more careful who I've let in my life, and I'm still weeding out people. I've let a few more go this past month that have been in my life a very long time. I've decided that superficial relationships aren't worth my effort anymore. I want to put my efforts toward people that are truly important to my life and stop with all the rest. I realize how short life is now, and don't want to waste anymore time on those that don't have the time for me.
I've been so foolish when it comes to others. I've given and given and for so many they really didn't care about me, just what they could get out me. I've been very co-dependent most of my life and really have to try to keep it in check. I was brought up that way. It's hard to change a lifetime of habit, but it must be done.
I've been sad recently about all the violence and killing around the world. I feel helpless and wish I could do something to help.
Laurie said to me I need to find what I want to do and then go out and do it. I know what I want to do, I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. I've decided to really work hard on 'my project' and see about it coming to life.
I've been hinting around about it, and finally going to try to put it in action. I want to travel and do a year (or more) of service then write a book about it. That is my goal. I would like to travel whenever life takes me on the road and wherever I land I want to go into town and find out where the senior homes are, as well as anyone else that could benefit a giggle or two and see about showing up and just doing it. I want to make balloon animals all over the US and live on donations. I think that would be a hoot. People are so generous and wonderful I know it would work.
I don't want to get famous or have TV coverage, just want to get out there and see the world and help along the way. A year of Service. They say be the change you wish to see in the world, well, I am going to do just that. I have a talent and can use it for the betterment of the world, so why not? I don't feel the need to work and build a home or anything of the like. I've raised my kids and done all I was 'supposed' to do in life as they say, now I want to do what I want to do. Funny how you get older and you don't care what others think anymore, it's about the journey and what YOU think. Wish I'd picked up on that years ago.
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