LIfe is only getting better for this middle aged gal!

Love my life

It's taken me a very long time to really like my life and realize I was in the drivers seat. Now that I've gotten that lesson, onward and upward I go. 

I have my partner in life, a place that belongs to us, friends and neighbors that are blessings, and we have love. Wow, this is what life is about. Of course, I'd rather be on the road in the RV but, for now this is good. Laurie is more of a stay at home and nest kind of gal, and I'm more get out there and explore. But for now, this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I'm suppose to do.

Funny when you find your purpose how different you feel. How fulfilled and how it all just feels right. I'm in the right spot, right kind of thinking, and just getting life in general. Wow, how off track I was at one time. We won't get into that, because I believe we all get off track one time or another in their lives. We just have to learn from the lesson, forgive and move forward with a new attitude and your new found lessons.

I used to think it's the stuff in your life that made you successful. I  now know it has nothing to do with what you own. I know for a fact someone that was in my life over 30 years ago, that has all kinds of THINGS, but has no substance in her life. No companion, no real friends, but lots of stuff. I'm sad for her, because she feels the need to pick on me. But I get it. I forgive her and pray for her and that she will understand it's the way she acts that turn people off. She's never done any work on herself. That is a must. I am still hoping my daughter will soon start her work.

I know coming to this point in my life wasn't easy because I'm very stubborn. I dig my heals in and no one or nothing is going to move me. I've softened this thought wave. I now listen, I have an open heart. 

Having an Open Heart

My friend Dory told me years ago, when your heart opens wide, you can never ever shut it. She was so right. Since having my heart opened up in 09, I've never thought of the world in the same way. 

I had to take responsibility for my action, fix what I could, and forgive myself for all I've done up until that moment. It's the best thing I ever did for myself. I thank the Great Spirit for all my gifts. I deserve every one of them, and I've earned them as well.

I think you must at times earn your blessings. I know that sounds silly. But you have to be in a certain place in your life in order to get the lessons life is trying to teach you. And they will present themselves to you. And will continue to do so until you GET IT. 

I really believe that we do come here knowing our purpose. One we choose before even getting here. Everything I've gone through has made me a better person one way or another. I'm excited when I think about the future. I never thought that way before. I know I will have an enormous impact on my Grand children while they are here.

I think this is a fantastic gift. Having my Grandchildren come here and see how I live. There are so many rumors and lies that are still being spread about me and my life in Louisiana, I am hoping that this will show them the truth. But ya know, it's only really effecting the people spreading the lies. This just gives me a chance to show them different. 

Curses to those that keep their Grandchildren from their families. I've seen this so much in my life. Where the kids are pissed at their parents for whatever reason and keep the grandkids away from the grandparents. There is a special hell for those kind of people. I know my daughter is living her hell. I'm sad for her, and her kids because they are missing out on ONE FANTASTIC GRANDMA! But I know my time will come with them as well. Everything she has done to me will be done to her, so I expect the kids to be reaching out to me before too long.

I'm so blessed to be able to get to know Cory's kids.  Emily the second oldest wants to learn to be a clown. I'm thrilled to say the least. Heidi's daughter Harley wanted to be a clown too. She even painted her face with Heidi's lipstick and pretended to be me. I love it. Heidi shared this with me before she decided I was the devil. 

These kids are so special. But every Grandma thinks that. I just know to be able to have 4 generations of clowns in our side of the family is so special. My Mother would be so proud. She is! She is with me daily and guides me now because I listen. I didn't listen before. Wish I had.  Children have an innocents that even parents can't take away for at least a little while. Be careful what you say around your kids, they hear it all. Even if they don't know what it all means at the time they retain it and carry it for their lifetimes. I wish I'd been a better parent, Mother, daughter, wife, partner, and friend. But I have today and hopefully tomorrow to improve and be the best person I can be now. 

That is why I love every day. It's my way of being able to start again. Be the new and improved me.

Thank you to all my living and dead friends and relatives for helping me in my journey. Thank you for your continued love and guidance.   

I'm beyond blessed. 

I'll be glad when the election is OVER!

This has been a terrible year for our Country as far as I'm concerned. I know politics are ugly, nasty and it makes you want to take a bath after talking about it, but it's so important to be engaged. I'm disappointed that both candidates flew shit back and forth, but as I understand from history that is the way of the game. Why? I hate it.

I was talking today to Laurie about just tuning out and moving forward without knowing all the ugly details. If Romney gets in, then I'm going to have to fight for my basic rights let alone my rights as a gay American. If Obama gets in I can relax and know we are in good hands. So you can guess what I'm hoping for. I just want it to be over with and not worry about the rest.

Laurie just came in with her ugly sweater that I bought her for the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. Wow, it hurts my eyes. And it's funny because the lady while folding it up at the thrift story thought it was so beautiful for real. I could barely keep a straight face on that one. But it's cute and will serve it's purpose. Now I have to try to find one, or make one for the party. Love all this type of activity. Keeps my mind young and off politics...ha ha. Laurie knows I've been kinda stressing about this election because I realize how important it is to defeat this Romney person. He makes my entire body shutter at the thought he would be our Commander and Chief.   UUUUahhhhhh the thought!

If he wasn't a Mormon I could deal with it a little better. But knowing what they believe scares the shit out of me. Why can't anyone else see this is such a cult of oppression and lies? Anybody but the black guy is why I think this is slipping by common sense. That is how bigoted they are? really? Scary. But I did live down South for many years, and nothing has changed. Just the language.

Boomers tonight!

I'll be making balloons tonight at Boomers. That should be fun. It's only for a couple of hours, they are having a spooky night and I'm part of it. Goodie. Hope I make lots of money. I will need it with Grand kids coming soon. 

I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone. I hope it all turns out for them. They deserve to be happy and have a second chance. I know I'm willing to help those that are willing to help themselves. I admire Tamara in many ways, I know she is young and that is all the more reason to support her. That's what family does.

Gonna get going I have so much to do before my show tonight. I have a new hat I'm trying to get to fit me proper. Most hats are too big for me. I have a small head, but I'm fixing it now. Trying to get my outfits spiffy for all my gigs.

Tootles everyone. Hug those around you and love your life!

Namaste'   

My Native Heart

Yesterday I went to the beach and did a ceremony for Russell Means who died yesterday. I was first blown away it wasn't in the news whatsoever. REALLY?

They will report on the most ignorant stories, but won't report on a death of someone that was so much into our history and was a leader, writer, Grandfather, and so much more. I'm blown away. 

I want to give up on TV. I'm so close to it. I grew up on TV. It was my best friend, companion, savior, babysitter in the 60's my everything. 

I still sleep with the TV on. I always have. But I am to the point I want to live my life without the TV, spewing it's yuck on us. Honey Boo Boo comes to mind. No I don't watch it. I can't make myself. Not even to be shocked. It's just too sad. I am coming to the conclusion that I need to watch less, read more, and just get out in nature as I once did. 

Since living in the city, it's sometimes hard. I do go to the park down the street and I can imagine sometimes I'm in the woods.

The Ceremony

That takes me into the ceremony I did yesterday for Russell Means. When I first found out I went on Youtube to watch some of his videos. Very interesting. I went to his website as well. I haven't kept up with him throughout the years.

Life has taken me astray and I had a family I was trying to raise so I didn't keep up with my Native friends as I wish I had. Nor, have I kept up my Spiritual journey as I should have. I'm taking that back now. 

After my coffee, I got together my sage, abalone shell, my painted feather, and various other things. I drove in a steady and slow pace, as there wasn't many people on the road. I love Guatalupe Beach. It's a small and wonderful. 

I walked way down the beach for privacy. I drew a circle took off my shoes, and put my things out, and got into the zone.

It was wonderful. I saw some old Native songs I haven't sang since Corys death. One song I sang is one that is a llullaby or it could be a song of sorrow. I used to sing this song to Heidi and Cory when they were babies and I was all alone with them. It made me cry, and it still does. 

I sang that song yesterday for Russell and Cory. It was the first time since his death I was able to actually sing it through.

I'm hoping to teach my Grandchildren some of the songs I know. I can't remember all of them anymore because I stop singing for a very long time. Sometimes when you are abused, you don't feel like singing.

After my singing and getting back into the car, I still couldn't leave just yet. I had to watch the surf and just enjoy the sounds of the birds.

On my way home I just coasted from the long drive from the ocean to the gate to go back to Santa Maria. While going that slow, a golden hawk flew and stopped beside me. I stopped the car, and there was no one behind me. I turned it off and just sat there in amazement. He sang his song to me over and over. I just couldn't believe it.  What a blessing. Things like this happen to me all the time. 

I have to say, it's neat that Laurie has seen many of these blessings. She has seen how animals follow and watch me. They are my brothers and sisters because I never had any in life and still don't. Yes, I have a physical brother and sister whom I've tried to reach out too, but they have their own issues with life and my father, they haven't found a place yet to let it go and acknowledge us as a family. I'm open and always will be. 

Because of spending so much of my life alone, I've always acknowledged the animals, bugs, and others powers that be that have raised me, stood behind me, beside me and walked this journey with me. I'm blessed. We all have it, just some aren't in tune with the Universe.

Losing my Religion

 

I have lost my religion! That was the best thing I ever did for myself. I didn't think it was possible, but I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm no longer subject to that type of thinking. I get it. I have an open heart and the Great Spirit is with me, guiding me, and helping me in my journey here on earth. 

I no longer feel the pressure to fit into an religion, their rules, and sorry I spent so much time and effort doing this. 

My heart is open now and you can't change it once it's happened. Organized religions just aren't for me anymore. I don't mind visiting and listening to good teachers but there are two religions that I won't go near their threshold and that is the mormon church and the catholic church. I believe religions are cults. Any religion that oppresses anyone and tells them they are the only way to God and if you don't follow these rules you won't go to heaven, but will burn and burn until your flesh comes off your body. Or in the case of the mormons, you will be separated from your family FOREVER. If you don't believe, the believers will be in paradise, and the rest of you will suffer forever because you didn't get to go there. Ridiculous!  I know this has cause undo stress and pain to so many. You don't measure up so you will be separated. 

It's kind sadder for the kids of these cults. They don't even get a chance to see what it's like to find their own way, religion if they want that in their own lives. They are groomed from birth to be the little drones and read only this, believe only this. Oh my goodness. I remember so many of the mormon kids I went to church with wanted to leave so bad, but they knew that would separate them from their parents. They didn't really believe, but went along just to cause no waves. I felt bad for them.

Now that one of the candidates is a mormon I'm frightened. How in the world did we get to the point that a man in a horrible cult can run for the highest office?? People are so blind it just blows my mind. I can't wrap my head around anyone thinking this is ok, now or EVER. He will NOT separate church and state because he took a vow to NOT do that. I shutter to think what it will be like if he should get in. OMG Lord help us all. He isn't an honest man, or someone I would or will ever follow. If he were a good man, it wouldn't matter that much his religion, but HIS religion is such a cult people should look into what the mormons believe. 

I was in that cult for a time. I was a younster looking for acceptence, love, and companionship, they gave it all to me at the beginning. But then again isn't that how the cults reel you in. Once I was babtised, and soon after they dropped all the nice bullshit and I was just one of them. Hum...ok. I remember that so distinctly I was 14 then.

I'm not here to bash mormons, some are wonderful people. My own sister is a mormon. It has caused trouble in the family. My brother doesn't speak to her anymore, and I totally get it now why. I took off the necklace she gave me one year that says 'big sister'. 

She came and visited a few months ago. I was so thrilled. I have been trying to have a relationship with her for years. And we do have one, but it's not the kind of sister loving relationship. I've come to realize it has to do with me being gay. After our visit which was guarded we both took pictures and hugged and all that jazz. So I checked out her facebook page to get her pictures she took. There wasn't ONE mention of me, not one picture, not one reference to seeing me, which we don't see each other but ever few years. WOW! But she did post the pictures of her and her daugther-in-law I took and wrote 'Glad Family is Forever'. I was so incredibly hurt. I took off the necklace because it no longer meant anything to me anymore. I wore it from the day she gave it to me until then. I now know we will never have a relationship, and now think it's ok. 

I don't want someone in my life that thinks I'm going to hell because of who I love, or judges me according to a damn book some idiot wrote they don't even know. Just drives me insane, and I want to shake up people and say, GET A LIFE! If it judges, separates, and causes pain it's not true people. But everyone has to live according to their own beliefs. I'm just sorry so much of what people believe separates and hurts. So be it. I'm with my brother now, I don't need it, don't want it, and going to separate myself from it. My sister won't even notice. 

I was trying to unite all of us before Marion my step Mom passes away because that would make her so happy. But she has left the mormon church too (Marion) Phyllis' Mother. She never believed it either, just trying to conform for Phyllis' sake. I won't conform to anyone for any reason anymore in my life.
DEAL

I feel like a divine human being, and I don't need a book to tell me fairy tales. I can do anything. When I am in tune to Mother Earth, I'm quiet, happy and content. This truly is the most content I've ever been. When I took off the shame and blame religions put on you, it's the most freeing feeling in the world. I'll NEVER go back. When you are finally on the right path for yourself, you never look back.

Now religion is good for some, and I'm happy for the. But I would hope they would just look into their soul and realize God loves you, accepts you and doesn't believe you are a horrible sinner and you need to be saved. You are a divine human being perfect and wonderful. We don't always do perfect and wonderful things, but it's all a learning  curve. Listen to your heart and it will tell you the right things to do. It will feel right. 

I think I'm getting ready to tune out and just spend the rest of my days learning, teaching, and just being. I have a love/hate relationship with electronics. I want to give them all up, but this world pretty much doesn't really let you do that much anymore. I think if I could figure out how to do it, I just might.

I did give up all banks, and all the bullshit that goes along with it. I've trying to give up more and more that I know take me away from my journey of Spiritual Wisdom. TV pulls me in way too much! So does the internet. But the internet allows me to listen to great leaders I wouldn't otherwise be able to hear. So, it's a good and bad thing.

Laurie still very much likes all the electronic things, so I'm thinking of letting her enjoy them, and kind of tune out. She does the banking and such. I still feel the same. I don't want to pay someone to hold my own money and then give conditions of when and how I can get it back. CRAZY!

As I evolve, I find I want less and less to do with all the crazy things of the earth. I am so glad I grew up when I did, without all the cell phones, twitter, facebook etc. I was allowed to explore the world. To use my imagination to be anyone I wanted on any given day. I see the lifeless look in kids eyes, and it's disheartening. Too bad.

Please, take the time to be quiet. Let your soul sing to you. It will tell you what is true. Be true to yourself it's all you've have. Be honorable, tell the truth, be on time, (still working on that one). I see everyone as my brother and sister. I'm praying for us all. Namaste'