It's Sunday and time to rest now

This weekend has really been trying on me personally.

I have to take Pickles to the vet tomorrow morning, and I'm afraid of how much that will cost. She has an infected tooth I think or something going on in her mouth because it has a smell of infection in it. I feel so bad for her. I just hope they can make her comfortable and it hasn't caused too much damage to any of her organs.

Of course, I'm grateful I have the money, but it will take all the money I've saved for the RV, and that's so disheartening. I've tried so hard to work and save the money to get the RV fixed. I've stayed home and not gone anywhere. I've not gone camping, meetings, visiting, nothing. I've scaled down my bills to practically nothing. I have a free cell phone, we have reduced electricity, every thing we can do to lower our bills we do.

It's a depressing day in many ways. I try to keep up beat, but it's really hard when you have a constant reminder that you are NOT out in the woods but in a nasty dirty city. I hate it here. I hate living in a tin box, and how close everyone is to us. This is really hard, but yet I'm managed to keep a fairly good outlook until today. I'm just so done with being a Pollyanna type person. It's hard to see the good from this all. Yes, I should be and am grateful I have the money to take Pickles to the vet, because there were years gone by that I didn't and lost animals.

But still, I can't help but feel a little sorry for myself for having to scrap all this money up to start my dream on getting back on the road, just to have it gone in a moment. I have to start over saving again.

I am working harder now than before I retired. If this is what retirement is about shit, I'm tired! How do I get myself in these places of having to work harder than I choose. ARF!

My needs are so small, so it amazes me how much money it takes to live.

I'm hoping I don't loose entire hope, but I'm about there. I see people that are dark, and mean spirited get rich and live charmed lives while I see people like myself work their asses off and go nowhere. I'm honest and give back as much as possible, while seeing people that lie, cheat and do wrong prosper. I've seen this all my life. My own Mother never drank, or broke the law, and helped all who needed it, while seeing her go through so much in life. She never had peace, nor did anyone treat her with respect. I only know what I've seen. And I've seen the evil ones get ahead while the peacemakers suffer.

I remember being in the Mormon church how I saw people cheating on their spouses, how I was molested as a young girl, how gossip destroyed my reputation, and yet I was a virgin and keeping the so called rules. Then I saw all those people get temple recommends to do 'God's work, while I wasn't able to do it due to MY SINS! Too funny now. How sill is religion? I truly believe it's for the weak minded! I used to think that when I was a young woman, now I know it to be a fact.

People who turn to religion are looking for someone to tell them how to have a relationship with God, those that don't need religion, are those that HAVE a relationship with God and don't need anyone to define it for them.  A personal relationship with God is all you need. Nothing more.

I'm always amazed at all the rituals, gatherings, do this and do that, to make sure you get a place in heaven. How silly is that?

I'm not a sinner, nor will I ever be. I don't belong to this world, I'm just a visitor and I want to be beamed up because it isn't fun here anymore.