Listening to Ram Dass

I discovered Ram Dass in 2009 after losing Cory in one of the darkest times of my life. 

I was at a thrift store looking for new music or a video. I found these cassette tapes that were suppose to be inspirational. I thought it sounded good. I'd never heard of him nor this foundation. But I'm always open to a good mind.

I was immediately take with him and his message. So simple and good. Easy to understand. It made sense. I listened to the tapes over and over. I think there were something like 10 or so. I would listen to them day and night as I puttered in my garden there in Nipomo. 

That is where I did all my healing. This is where my life changed forever. It was a most beautiful place to be to heal and learn. It was quiet, remote, and no one to bother me for weeks on end if it were my choice. And it was my choice quiet often. I needed to be alone in order to think, heal, and figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. 

How could I honor my son as I moved forward. I learned the best way to honor my son was to be the very best person I could possibly be. This was a goal, and still is to this day.  But with one exception. I'm also being the best person I can be for MYSELF.

Finally understanding that it's ok to do things for myself. It's whats needed to nurture the new me. To take better care in all I do. From what is said, to how my time is used, to how I conduct myself outside the home. 

Knowing you have a purpose is the beginning of a wonderful journey. I didn't really have a plan in life, just going to and fro, without a care. Being a bit more mature now, goals change. My goal now, is to help all those around me I can on their journey. So many have helped me to get where I am. Selfishly, I don't think I appreciated all my gifts at the time.   

Learning to be grateful was one of the best gifts given me. With that mindset, I've been able to move forward with such peace and a full heart. Once you realize how blessed you are, and how much it took to bring you where you are today, it's mind blowing.  So many helped with the journey.

Many wonderful friends along the way. Some are gone now. One I was thinking of today was Rick Whitlock. I have had a great time telling Laurie stories of him. He was such a wonderful teacher to me. I don't know if he ever realize how much I hung on his every word. I know he liked to teach. I'd listen to his stories of the Native Americans. He has a book I loved that he'd rarely let me read/touch, called Iktome. I've never found another one like it. Ricks son now has it. When I babysat for him, I'd read it as much as possible. 

Rick has long passed away, but his impact on my life has always been with me. He still comes to me in dreams. I'm grateful for that. His spirit is very important to me. His widow is one of my oldest friends and we keep in contact.  We often go to Chinese. It's there we can exchange stories of Rick and have a great laugh. Our last dinner was fabulous. Full of memories, laughter as we told Laurie and Dory all the antics Rick could get himself into. He was one of a kind, and I'm proud to have know him.

Ram Dass reminds me of Rick at times. Many people that I listen too all seem to have a common denominator, forgive, love more, talk less, and don't take yourself so seriously. Of course, there is more, but basically this is what they are trying to convey.  Also acceptance. That is important. It was a lesson important to me anyway.

Be happy with what you have and be grateful for all the lessons. Not just the ones that 'feel good'.    I've found the harder the lesson, the bigger the breakthrough. In 09, I didn't think I was going to make it at times, because the breakthroughs were coming so fast and furious. My knowledge has been accelerated. The reason I think that is, because it took so long to get my heart open. My closed heart caused my knowledge to have to wait until I was willing to listen, and learn. I'm a stubborn cuss!

Grateful The Great Spirit didn't give up, and has allowed me to live the kind of life I deserve. We all deserve to live a happy and drama free life. There was a time in my life the drama was better in my own life than on the soap operas. Not anymore. There is peace in our home. Harmony. Trust, love, acceptance, and genuine caring. I'm not used to these things. 

Laurie was promised to me when I was in my coma and I was in the hospital in Arroyo Grande Hospital. I spent 5 days in a coma. I'd died a couple of times during those five days. I wasn't really there mentally. I was only there physically. 

I crossed over. I've only told a few people. My doctor being one. It isn't something you spill out at a party, or tell to just anyone. Sounds too silly/crazy you name it. But it did happen, all the things came true that were told to me. But this isn't the first time for me. 

I was told of Corys death when I was out one time due to a seizer. (My spelling check won't work darn it). I fell and broke the bones under my right eye, and sustained brain damage I found out later. I didn't know then nor do I know now what happened or how long I was out. It was terrible.  Blood everywhere, and I didn't even know it happened to me. I can't really explain it, but that moment started my journey to where I am at this time. We learn so much when such a tragedy happens in our lives. Losing a son, your only son, is life changing. 

I am now able to relate to other grieving parents. I thought before this I could. Live and learn. Until it's happened to you, it's impossible to  understand. When you've developed a person inside you for 9 months, then give birth, hear their first cry, raise them, watch them become an adult, have hopes and dreams for that child, to lose it all in a breath. It takes the wind out of your sail for a bit. For some, it takes it out forever.

Cory doesn't want that for me, and I don't want it for myself. If I can inspire another person to not give up, to more forward, learn and forgive,then I'm thrilled. I've tried to keep my dignity where there was none at his death. It's important. Because of that dignity I didn't attend his funeral. He was with me anyway I didn't have to go look at his body go into the ground. 

I needed to be quiet. I needed to learn to live without my only son. I needed to start to heal, forgive, and just trust that The Great Spirit knew what I needed to get past this terrible tragedy. Forgiveness has been my hardest lesson. Getting there.  

My ego kept me for a long time from the kind of healing I needed to help me move forward with my life without my son. I wanted revenge, I wanted to get mad at the person that did this. I wanted lash out to anyone that I could. Not anymore. I'm past that now. 

Change your thoughts change your life. That is a title by "Dr. Wayne Dyer". Another teacher. This helped me really heal. I did change the way I looked at this situation. No longer to blame, get revenge, rant, rave and just go nuts. Some do, I could very easily have done that as well. But I was given so many things to calm me down in my mind. Reading his book and living it as best I can has helped me I think more than any other book ever. If you think differently about everything, you can get past pretty much anything. 

I'm working on myself daily. I want to be the best person I can possibly be, for myself, and for those around me, and again for those that put so much time into helping me be who I am. I'm so grateful. Thank you! 

Namaste'