Good Friendships are worth their weight in Gold!

Have you ever had one of those days where you are so happy and content with the way you spent your day, that all you can do at the end of the day is grin. That would be today.

My friend Dory came over today. We have been good friends now for about 10 years. I have to say we have been through just about everything together. She's held me up when I didn't think I could make it, and I've helped her through some rough spots. All in all, we are good friends, we trust each other, and we know that we have each others back. I feel comfortable with her, and she with me. 

Plus, her dog Scottie Dean is my dog Pickles boyfriend. They have close since they were both small and their friendship has grown as well. It's so sweet to see how they greet each other and play. Dory and I get great pleasure in watching them play and interact.

We took them to the dog park here at Waller Park in Santa Maria. Nice park. I've meet all kinds of interesting people there (dogs too). After they had played out, we went home.

I stared to make dinner. I decided on hamburgers, potato rounds, and jello.  I also had fruit pops. But before all that, we went for a swim. We have a heated pool, so it makes it nice. We had a wonderful swim. Talked and talked. We always have a good laugh somewhere in the mix. Laurie didn't feel like swimming so she stayed home with the dogs. They aren't allowed in the pool area. 

I feel so happy and content. We had a wonderful meal together all of us. We talked, laughed, and enjoyed a little wink nudge, and life is VERY good.

She loved what we did with the living room. She gave us our entertainment center which is very small just perfect for our living room. She also loved the aquarium filled with beautiful fish. I think the grand kids are gonna love it too. 

Went to Wal-mart and took back the stuff I didn't want for the aquarium. I filled it with sea shells and have a light on it, and that seems to work just fine. I give them air, and it's clear so, it's all going good.

Sometimes, I just have to reflect at how crazy my life once was. I didn't know how to live my life in peace. I had to learn to own what I'd done with my life, and not done, and move forward with a better understanding that I did the best I could with what I knew them. I know better now, so I do better.

That is another thing that Dory was good at letting me know, and that was  about my progress. I would beat myself up all the time about my decisions, and she would tell me to cut it out, that enough people around me had beat me up enough, it was time to heal, take responsibility, and do better. And that is exactly what I've done. It wasn't easy. It was agonizing at times to realize what my own behavior had done to my life, and those around me. 

But that is what life is all about. That is why it's easy for me to help Tamara my daughter in law. She's lived in a fish bowl long enough.  She's had enough people beat her up, it's time she get out here and be herself and let her make her mistakes if she does without someone there to tell her all about it. It's important that young people make mistakes without being beat in the ground about it. Of course, there are some mistakes that are hard to forgive, but Tamara isn't in that category for me at least. My own daughter unfortunately did cross that line. I'm feel bad for my daughter but she has much to learn and prove before I would allow her near me again.

On the other hand Tamara has always treated me with respect, and love. Has allowed me access to my Grand children at all times. Never made me feel badly for loving my Grandkids. She hasn't lied to me, or been mean spirited in any way ever. I have often told her she's the daughter I've been praying for, so I'm blessed to have her in my life. Cory picked a good one. Is she perfect no, no one is. She's young and learns from her mistakes. That's what life is about.  Good for her I say. I just want to be a good Mother-in-law/Grandma. I don't want to be over baring. Or tell her what to do, but as I told her, I'll give her advice from my years of learning, but she ultimately has to make the decisions that are best for her and her family. I will respect that. 

I am hoping Tamara will find herself a good friend here. She needs that. I want to also get her in a hospice class so she can mourn Cory properly and be able to move forward without baggage and totally free to love again. I know she has Devon right now. I am hoping that finally mourning Cory and getting validation for how she has been feeling and that she isn't alone, I think that will make a big difference in her life and her love life as well. I hope so. 

I know Cory would have wanted her to be happy and make a good life for herself and her children. Cory made his life decisions and many weren't good decisions. Some of the last ones cost him his life. He wasn't surrounded by those that supported family life, he was surrounded by heavy drinkers, druggies, and very negative people. His choice, but when many are close relatives it's hard to stay away. 

I think the biggest regret I have in life is not continuing my life as a single parent. I gave in and allowed the kids to see their dad because I grew up without really getting to know mine, so that is what drove me to want them to have a relationship with his side of the family. It ended up costing him his life. But things happen as they should according to Gods plan, so I have to respect that. After all, his death is what changed my life forever for the better. 

Made me re-evaluate my own life. I stopped drinking to get drunk and forget the past and took responsibility for my own part in Corys death. I had a hand in it too. He grew up seeing me drink too much, to solve my own problems with the bottle. I didn't grow up with drinking around me. None. I inherited from my father who was Native and we all know how that turns out. 


My quality of life from 09 to now, I can't even begin to tell you the difference. I still pinch myself because I'm so content now and happy. I don't feel deeply depressed. I don't take anymore meds for depression. I have a new out look on life. Of course, much of it has to do with being in a coma for a week in the hospital in 09. That week in the hospital is one of the most life changing moments in my life. I had so many of them in 09. That was the change that year that started this lifestyle now. 

I took a year sabbatical and read every book I could get my hands on that I thought would help me. It worked. I stayed quiet, no tv. I meditated, prayed, cried, and I mean the Oprah ugly cry!!! I blamed, I was mad, I was upset, I was this and that. But in the long run, I was done with the life that wasn't working for me anymore. I took a good look at myself, and didn't like what I saw anymore. I wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be at that age. 

So, it was time to make changes. I've never regretted that year. I don't regret all I went through with Corys death. I no longer blame Deana (Corys fathers wife) for killing Cory. I actually feel really bad for her. Can't image being her and I know about her personally after all she's married to my ex-husband of 22 years. She's wife #3. I keep her in my prayers and I'm not being mean spirited. I know she has a tough life with her own son and the things going on in her life, and to have caused the death of another womans only son....I can't image what goes through her mind. Altho' I've never had contact with her since Cory's death I pray she is able to find a place of peace someday and I think if she would just write me a note someday, she may be able to heal. I know it would help with my own healing. I'm doing ok, but think it would be 'nice' if she'd even given me a little consideration during his death and burial. But I'm thinking she was so hurt and ashamed, she couldn't bring herself to contact me and now feels it's too hard. Perhaps she just doesn't care, I don't know. At this point as I said all I can do is keep her in my prayers.

I used to live such a troubled life. I as so angry for so long. Glad that is over with. Glad I'm able to finally move forward some. Writing it all down helps. Having a voice here gives me the voice I didn't have in 09 after Corys death. In order to keep my dignity in tact, I had to stay quiet and just pray. My old life would have wanted revenge and would have lashed out. I'm just not going to life my life like that. I want peace and harmony in my life. So, I had to learn to forgive and know that eventually the hurt will subside and I can learn to live without my only son.  No easy at first. But as time goes by, it's getting easier.

Having Corys kids around will help with the healing I'm sure. Little Caden looks so much like Cory when he was that age, it's like watching Cory grow up again. Big difference...the accent...ha ha. All my grandkids have a very thick Southern accent. It's adorable according to Grandma. I love being called MaMaw Lisa. Fun fun fun.  I have so much more to learn, and I'm finally becoming the calm, peaceful person I've always wanted to be. Takes a lot of work, but it's worth ever bit of struggle it was and is. Namaste'