When a partner is under the weather

Alright, I am the first to admit, I don't like it when my partner is sick. I feel so helpless and codependent. I want to make everything better as fast as possible.

In this case, with Laurie today and the last two days, I've been doing my best to be a comforting partner, helpful, caring, and available. But I have to admit it's very hard. I don't like to see her in a weakened state. Now, I know how she must have felt during so much of my painful medical problems.

This is of course part of life and especially part of life with another person. You have to take the good days with the bad. Sometimes you just don't realize how bad the bad days are going to be. Don't get me wrong. Laurie had a colonoscopy and that's a pretty regular thing, but when it's done to someone like Laurie, it's a bigger deal than normal. It's hard to see her sick and not able to keep food down. I just want to make it all better and make it go away.

I'm so happy to have someone like her in my life now, I want to assure that she is healthy and happy. We have a long life ahead of us, and many more adventures to have, and I want some of my other friends to meet her that haven't had a chance yet. We have so much travel to do as well. When you finally find someone that works in your life, you don't want anything to mess with it.

I've never met anyone like Laurie, and her temperament is beyond anything I know. She's always happy, and rarely in a bad mood if ever. I've lived with her going on 3 years 24/7 and I can safely say she has been happy 99% of the time. I've never known anyone like her. She's taught me more by example than most anyone I've ever met. I believe in proof and actions speak louder than words. People have lied to me all my life, and tell me they will do this and that, but Laurie is the first one to really keep her word, and if she is unable will make up for it, or let you know. Totally honest. That is so rare, I won't ever let her go. She's way too precious.

I can understand why others have let her go, because she is everything they are NOT, and sometimes it's hard to live with someone like that, but if your life is an authentic life, it's not hard at all, in fact, it's a blessing.

I'm happy for all the experience Laurie had before me, and she feels the same of me. I've learned all the hard lessons, and have moved on with my life in a greater understanding, compassion, and empathy toward others and their journey. My journey has been one I wouldn't have missed for anything in the world. And now that Laurie is part of it, all the better.

We both have the need to help others in whatever way we are able. Most of the time, people just want to tell us their story and have someone interested. That would be Laurie and me. We listen to people hour after hour. It's our ministry. Both of us have licenses to be pastors of our own church. Laurie has been a pastor in MCC. So we both have experience with helping others. I've been giving back since I was 14 years old and was a member of the Mormon Church. I volunteered for everything they did. I enjoyed helping people I still do.

It's so important to us to get on the road and help all those we can. We have been able to help locally some, and can't wait to get on the road and do what we do best. I love to inspire others to follow their dreams. We enjoy telling others our stories. We both have very different stories that seem to resonate with others. I like that. The more I talk to people the more I find we are so alike.

Being on the road has been such a blessing to me, and for Laurie to tell me she believes we need to get back on the road was a dream come true. Staying in one place is very hard for me. I love being on the road and meeting new people, and seeing what is around the corner.

There is always a festival or something to celebrate in every town we visit. Can't wait to take more pictures this year than ever before. I have a new camera and am going to do my best to capture all the adventure we seem to find ourselves in.

We follow our hearts and turn down different roads sometimes as we drive and we have met some of the most interesting people, and think it was meant to be. I can't explain but when you know you were suppose to be friends it's a feeling that comes over you. Fun

Laurie and I have lots of jewelry made up to sell while we are on the road. And we are getting our beads and art stuff ready to go on the road and make stuff as we go along. This is the most fun of it all. Looking around the desert, for firewood, goodies, to use for art, and rocks. We love it all. We always seem to come home with a treasure if not many as we walk.

Last year we found a palm tree that had been there years and shed it's large leaves of which we used as firewood all the time were there at RiverLodge. We'd just go there daily and get what we needed for the evening, and have a lovely fire. Usually for the evening and the morning coffee. Life is but a dream.

I can't believe I was ever married, had kids, or had another life totally different from this one.

I don't miss my so called married life. I was my husbands sisters lover before being his wife. I knew Judy first. It just didn't work out between us due to drugs/drinking. Rick her brother didn't do drugs but did drink. Who knows how it would have turned out if I'd stayed with Judy rather than Rick. Both would have been a challenge.

What is important is I learned from my former life in order to be the kind of person I am now in my life. Laurie is pleased with my progress.

Laurie and I have found our place in this earth and we have found it together. I'm so proud of her, for all she's gone through and come out on top. She has had a lot of betrayal, as I have, so we both understand what it's like to be lied too, cheated on, and totally destroyed by those that proclaim to love us. So, we both understand the hurt involved, so we won't do that to each other.

I'm proud to call her my partner, and will protect her with everything I have while I'm alive.

Some of her family have forgotten her, and some of my own family did the same to me, so we are in the same boat on that one too.

Long ago lovers betrayed us, and we are now determined to be true to each other and tell the truth whatever that truth may be. Nothing hurts more than finding out you've been lied too.

Once you learn all these lessons, it's easier to be a good partner. You want to be treated as you would treat someone else.

I have loved others, but there is a different kind of love for Laurie. I have had passionate love where I couldn't stand to be away from them for even a moment, not healthy. We are our own person, and have different goals, and dreams, and we both respect that.

What I feel for Laurie is deeper, and worth much more. Not a physical thing, but a friendship/partner kind of thing.


In taking Jade back to Lake Havasu to the rescue people, it won't happen too soon. I love Jade, but she needs more room to roam. I'll be sorry to see her go in many ways.

Hope everyone is doing good tonight and thinking Mother Earth for all the gifts she gives us daily.

Namaste'

The Cold is upon us

It's the middle of September and it's already getting pretty cold in the evenings. Laurie has really been suffering with all this coldness.

Unfortunately, we are going to have to give back our dog Jade from the rescue people. We've tried very hard to train her and get her to work with Laurie, but have come to realize that her aggression toward other dogs, and people is not going to work as a service dog. We need a dog that will stand firm for Laurie to get up if she falls. Jade has a tendency to want to run toward other dogs and that will drag Laurie with her. It made us very sad, but we just can't keep her. We can't leave her alone that she destroys things in the house, and barks all the time.

We've been in talks with many trainers and they have specified that she really won't work as a service dog, but she will make someone a fabulous pet, and we will keep tabs on her to see where she ends up and how it is going.

With all that said, after the Pow Wow here locally I am going to visit a friend of mine for a week or so, and Laurie is going to drive to Lake Havasu, AZ and take Jade back to her former owner. She will get to be where it's warmer and less humidity. I will be up in the mountains with a friend. We will both be in our favorite elements.

Looks like our bathroom floor is going to get done after all. The guy that did it originally is coming back to re-do it and seal it better, as the toilet apparently wasn't sealed properly and leaked under the linoleum. All has to be pulled out and replaced.

Now, as the RV, it's looking good and driving wonderfully. I look forward to taking it up North and staying by the beach. I miss the woods and all the beautiful nature. I will cherish every moment.

So much concerning our health has been addressed. Laurie and I have had practically every test possible. I just got my Mammogram, Laurie did her last week. Blood tests, ekgs, you name it we've had it done. And all in all, we are doing pretty good. My blood pressure is up some, but I'm going to work on that one. I don't feel stressed or anything so don't know where that is coming from.

Next is my blood test. I'm a little afraid of that one. My blood sugars are up, and I'm working on that one very hard. I don't want the big D. My diet has totally changed. I'm working very hard on becoming a vegetarian, and perhaps a Vegan if possible. The more I learn the more I'm horrified about the treatment of our brother animals.Sad

I've really started doing beadwork again. My eyes have gotten better since 09. I've really been juicing and doing the best I can with diet to self heal. I believe you can do a lot of that yourself with attitude and determination. Knowledge is power.

I've also been taking my picture taking seriously. I bought my first camera at 16 on credit. The very first thing I bought on credit. I was so proud of that camera and took pictures constantly. I haven't changed. I'm back to a lot of what I enjoy. Somehow along the way, I've been so busy being busy, I haven't been enjoying the things I enjoy the most. Those days are over, and I'm so happy to say, the little child in me has come back with a bang. I love it.

I'm so looking forward to the future and all it entails. I've decided to accept the gifts given and not suppress anything. I've been blessed with so many talents and gifts, that I've not appreciated in the past, but now I'm ready to receive them with open arms.

I've eliminated the negative, and looking forward to the positive. I'm blessed beyond belief, and I'm so grateful. I'm grateful for Laurie in my life and the sunshine she brings to me. The acceptance I've craved and looked for all my life is in one little package called my partner. I've waited for her all my life. I'm grateful. When someone tells you they won't leave you no matter what, that is powerful. More powerful than I even realized at the time.

She accepts me as is, and doesn't try to change me. This is a good thing. I am a handful, this I admit, and there are only certain people that could be with someone like me. My mind is becoming sharper, and more focused on goals for the future.

I've been talking to Laurie about moving from here. Or at least getting another place in the woods, or more remote. I'm really tired of the crowded city and it sucks up my soul and junks it. Too much noise, people fighting, sirens at all hours, violence, and it's dirty. I long for the paths to walk that are soft and quiet. I just want to sit in the woods and listen.

If we are unable to do this, I'll just be taking more and more trips to visit friends in the woods.

I hate politics, and want to forget about them for awhile. These people who are suppose to be OUR servants are just getting rich. The tea party people are really causing so much heartache to everyone. I'm of course watching them self destruct if it wasn't so sad it'd be funny. But it is fun to watch them act like little kids on a playground that don't get along. For that I'm enjoying this silly stuff, but it's holding this Country hostage, and it's hurting everyone.

I voted for the first time when Obama ran. Before that, I really didn't see any reason, didn't think my vote counted. That has all changed now. I kind of follow the politicians and what they stand for, and I can say many disturbs me. I've voted the best I could do, by being informed, not just one source but many. It sure takes a lot of time to do all that. Locally and on a National level.  I also didn't opt out of jury duty. I had many people tell me how to get out of it, and I decided that I wasn't going to do that. I'm healthy enough to be able to serve, so I'm doing it. But alas, they didn't need me. But at least, I didn't shuck my duty.

I'm thrilled with my progress and coming full circle. I've watched Laurie bloom these last two years. Her eyes have been opened to so much, it's fun watching her discover so much. Life is good for us for sure. We are like two kids and the world is our playground.

Getting the RV fixed today!

It's the wee moments in the morning I enjoy. I have a freshly made cup of coffee, I'm listening to my uplifting tapes on Youtube, and getting ready for the day.

The last few months I've been going through this questioning period. Questioning what true friendships are all about. I have distanced myself from many of my old time friends because of this questioning. I have a tendency to hold on to things much longer than I should. It's sometimes hard to let things go that feel comfortable. But, I've come to find out that sometimes you must purge your life of people who really aren't at the level in life you are, who are insisting to be in their crazy life as it were.

I never took the time to examine the questions I should have. Will they be there for me? Will they root me on in my quest for a better understanding of life? Will they be there if I should fall and need someone to pick me up? Important things to know.

I'm also struggling with those people in my life that have a believe system that I have trouble with. Religion is the worse. My sister is a Mormon and this has divided our family to the point my brother won't connect with Phyllis in any way. And because I had the nerve to say I didn't like her cult either, I was ripped a new one from my step mom. Fortunately, I can't be bullied anymore or intimidated, so I'm trying to figure out how to get through this without ruffling anymore feathers.

I'm almost there. I have to address it soon. I know we can come to some kind of civil way of moving forward.

The really good news that has come out lately is that we are getting the RV fixed today. New shocks in the tune of $700! Ouch, but it's all good. We are going to be a bit short this month perhaps but we will be able to get to Parker, AZ and Quartsite. I look forward to seeing the Colorado River and seeing how Jade our new dog will think..

Speaking of our new dog Jade, we have found out that she doesn't get along well with other dogs! We took her to the dog park and twice she's run after another dog to attack, and we can't have that. She also doesn't like men. She'll growl at them and we are afraid she'll bite, so we keep her on a short leash. Of course, this is going to restrict our movements. But we are working on trying to teach her. She barks a lot too, so this is another challenge.

But we do know she loves to travel. She already knows the RV and can't wait to get into it and take a ride. She sits right in the middle so she can see everything. So, at least that is a good one on our side. She's a love, but a challenge as any new animal is to a home. We had it pretty good with Pickles. She's really a low maintenance dog other than having to take her to the groomers. She's easy to take care of.

Recently we've been really getting busy on making jewelry of all sorts. I find we can sell them anywhere pretty much, just have to show them around. I'm hoping to get a display case again, because the jewelry looks so much better in one. I'm sorry I sold the one I had, but we needed the money at the time.

Laurie's tests have come back and all is well so far. I'm very thankful for that. She finally got into the system and now they are doing all the tests to see how far the osteoporosis has gotten, and the MS. She's doing pretty good with walking and such, but we've been on a donut kick and we need to cut that out, as she is suffering. I told her I'd go the bakery because when she goes we come home with extra sugar I can't resist when they make it home.

We will have all our meds, and tests done for this year, and can enjoy our time in AZ without all that to worry about. Nice! We are going to concentrate on selling our art, and enjoying our time there with friends.

Life is a struggle at times, but it's so worth all we go through to learn and be happy. I am going to try to not watch the news as much and not get so involved into politics. I will vote, and keep that right of course, but I think I'll take a step back from the workings of the world. I find peace when I don't know all these things. I thought I was being informed, but I find being informed comes with it much weight. Heavy weight. I also find there isn't much I can do to change it, other than be the best person I can be. To allow those to believe a man in the sky will come save us all, and not laugh, but honor their journey regardless.

These are my struggles. Laurie and I try to understand everyone and give them an audience. We both share the thought of helping those that need it, or ask for it. We usually end up just being a sounding board but that's ok too. This is the work I've always done. But I find as I get older, I have more compassion for those struggling. I've pretty much struggled with so many things, I can relate to many people. And Laurie can relate to the ones I cannot. So, it's a nice blend we have with the journey's we've taken and found each other.

Laurie is a blessing given to me to understand so much I have been struggling with. She's helped me with much of my being able to go forward with Peace. I saw she was able to do it without judgment. She has struggled with forgiving, and struggles with a sister not speaking to her and I see how it affects her, and because of that, it's prompted me to continue my relationship with my sister. I get it. I don't wish to cause anyone any hurt.

If we could all see what we do to each other over petty things. To feel what others feel when we say hurtful things. I know I'm more aware of my speech. I'm no where close to where I'd like to be, but I'm at least aware.

Sold our Art in Cayucos in a cute little shop

What a wonderful day we had yesterday. We had the car packed up with our art in the trunk, the dogs were crated, fed, and happy, so off we went to Cambria as our plan to sell our art.

As with most plans, I took a turn to Cayucos just to take a look around. We had a great time. We went to the art gallery and showed some of our stuff to them and they were interested, but unfortunately they wanted money to show our stuff. Don't mind that, just didn't have it. It's more of a selling trip than display.

So we had lunch at a local fish/chips place at the pier, and it was delicious! We bought the combo of shrimp/fish and chips, and it was just enough for the both of us on a budget. I loved our day. I love to people watch, and there were some street musicians playing, skateboarders in their park. Reminded me of Cory and how much he loved to skateboard. Called himself a thrasher in the day.

Speaking of Cory. I'm OFFICIALLY out of mourning. When Cory died, it was a life changing experience for me and many I'm sure. I've mourned him basically alone and in my own thoughts. I went through this mourning process entirely alone. No one came. No one did anything. I was alone. After this experience, I know for a FACT I can go through ANYTHING all alone and don't actually need anyone. I've already gone through the worse life can give. I have become stronger because of it.

 I cut all my hair off (as is the tradition of the Native people) and kept it short until now. I'm going to allow it to grow again. Cory didn't like me with grey hair and liked me to keep it dark, but it's too much of a mess for me to deal with, so it will be long grey locks for me. I'm no longer going to cut my hair and it will grow until I die.

As my hair grows I will be reminded of my blessings, my heritage, and the love I feel for those who have loved me in my lifetime. Those that are no longer with me, to those that are still hanging in there and being an influence in my life. I will have to bead more combs and such as I've sold all I owned.

I have learned to forgive those that have taken my son from me, and those that deliberately hurt me afterward. It reflects their spirit not mine. May they all find truth and responsibility.

When you come to the realization that those responsible are never going to take responsibility for their actions, and after 4 years never going to apologize either. Not that I was EVER waiting around for any communication, but just thought maybe they'd get an 'Ah-Ha' moment. Should have known better. And now do.

With moving forward in life.

Laurie is my future. Travel and great friends await us. Laurie is a fabulous and my shining rock. I'm so experiencing a totally different life with her as my partner than I have with ANYONE else. Total acceptance, non-judgmental, and she doesn't have a temper. At least I've not seen it. Life is serene and wonderful.

I don't miss any of the others that were in my life in the past. I now realize how toxic they also were to even themselves. I did for a time, not knowing any different. But when you've come around people more like minded, then it has to have a better outcome.

With all this said, it's certainly been a journey of healing for Laurie as well as myself. We were both damaged/hurt people when we got together. We've worked out our 'stuff' and now we live a wonderfully peaceful life. We are not competitors, we are true partners in every sense or the word. It' so refreshing. Working together is what works good with us.

All this is a learning experience for me. And for Laurie by the most part. We both have had very dysfunctional relationships, so finally getting it right now is important. We talk everything through and come to an understanding.

Now that we are able to come to this understanding and work together, the sky is our limit.

I'm taking great delight in teaching her beadwork. She is interested and wants to learn so I'll teach her. I told her with all the crafting skills she learns from me, and all the art she already knows how to do, she will always have a means to make money.

Yesterday we went to Cayucos to sell our wares and had an absolute blast. We met a fabulous lady at a shop named 'The Outlook'. We called her a kindred spirit and talked up a storm. She ended up buying some of my beading necklaces, two of my hanging blood orange goodies, and she also bought a mask from Laurie. We had our picture taken with her, and she was a blast. We'll probably go next week or so and take her a few more things to put on her walls and such on consignment. But selling things for cash is good also.

If you are ever in Cayucos go in The Outlook and say hi to Virginia. She is a delightful gal and full of positive energy. She has fabulous things in there that are for larger ladies too. That makes a big difference to me. I rarely find cute clothes that are my size. And she has tie-dye stuff and that is always good for an old hippy like me

Her prices are great and not of a specialty shop you usually see at a beach town. She has a cute shop, well organized and displayed. Can't wait to see her again, and spend a little more time with her.

We were thrilled to sell some of our things. It helped with money for the end of the month as well.

We have to get Jade some worm medicine today as Laurie noticed she had them the other day. She's been scooting the butt, a sure sign.

 While on our way home we went Hwy 1 and I stopped by one of my favorite fruit stands in Oceano right across the street from the Melodrama. I bought some cherries. The fruits of our labor....lol

 This is a very popular place to stop as well as Hyashi's on Hwy 1 a little further down.

A bit more hopeful today

We all have some tough days, and I've quite a few in a row. Sometimes you just barely get yourself up from the last hit to be knocked down again before you even knew it was happening.

I've heard others say it comes in waves. This has been my experience as well, Just hope the wave is over for a time. Trying to take the breath I need.

Pickles is doing alright, but she is in a lot of pain. I give her pain meds every 4 hours just to make sure she is as comfortable as possible. It make me feel better as her owner to know there really wasn't anything I could have done to save her teeth. They were just bad and needed to come out. It's the breed says the vet. So, I'm not beating myself up for that anymore. I have a tendency to beat myself up over these type of things. Just wondering what I could have done different to make it better kind of thing.

Last night I know Leon our neighbor knew we were kinda down with all the goings on, so he went and got a chicken and such to have dinner. We ate dinner outside on the patio and watched the humming birds play 20 feet away. It was a nice diversion. Leon gets depressed about things, and needs to have someone to come over and talk too now and then. It's all good. I ate the veggies and goodies, but didn't eat the chicken.

Still trying to keep myself meat free. Our cruelty to animals makes me sad.

After realizing that licking my wounds about the money and getting the RV fixed isn't going to get done any faster while I'm dragging around the house, I woke up and decided to work even harder than before. What else can I do? I can give up and that won't get me anywhere. So, it's up and I'm going to  try to work even harder at the dream.

In fact, I've made some of the best art of my life these last few days. Laurie and I are getting ready to take our art to various stores for consignment. That way we will be making money in stores and Ebay hopefully.

I've gotten rid of all excess junk around the house, and Laurie has been painting the trailer, so things are looking nicer around here.

I'm getting ready to plant a winter garden just in case we are stuck here. (Have to think about all possibilities) Plus, Leon will take care of the garden and be able to eat the food. It's a win, win situation.

I've decided to go ahead and change my name as well. It's been a dream of mine for many years and now I'm gonna go for it. I've filled out the forms and I'm going to fill out a waver for the fee and see what happens from there. I know I'd rather sign my art with my new name rather than my old one.

It reflects who I am now. My Native name when I was a child and my adult Native name with my middle name taken from one of my best friends from High School who was Pima. I miss her and wish I could find all my foster sisters and brothers. I still feel connected to them.

Jade Laurie's new dog is doing good with us, like she's been a member of our family from the beginning. I'm so happy she came into our lives. I look forward to traveling with her. I just look forward to traveling PERIOD!

The RV looks great. It's polished, washed, prepped, and ready to go other than it needs shocks. Tomorrow I'm taking it to Wayne's Tire to see what their take on how much it will cost to repair. I'm hoping the first place was oh so wrong and that it will only need the minimum of repair and treatment. Miracles do still happen I know. I've seen them. That or some kind soul will send us the money to repair it and get us back into environment Laurie can thrive. The marine layer doesn't bother me much. I like it too, it's spooky and cold, and I love to sit around a fire while it comes in from the ocean. The droplets when it's really heavy. Nice. But then again, I've always loved the rain and most weather.

Getting things on Ebay again. I've started selling rather slowly but am going to have to up the pace if we want to be able to leave here by this winter sometime. We still have a few months before it gets cold around here for the actual winter.

So, we are very busy.

I've also thought about taking some classes at the local community college. I've known many professional students that live quite a nice life. I'm always up to learn something new. I wouldn't mind taking a few classes on writing. I used to be a Journalist in my younger years, but have lost much of my knowledge due to lack of use. I'm ready to fire up the brain cells and get things rolling again in my life.

I remember the days of college and how exciting it was to be on campus. Something was always a buzz. When I went for therapy at Cal Poly I always felt the excitement of just being there where people are trying to better their lives, learn, and perhaps change the way of the world. Very exciting to me.

Think I'll get off this blog and get some beadwork done. I'm going to make some flower necklaces with seed beads. I'll post pictures when I get some done.

I'll also post pictures of the blood oranges I've made into wall hangings. They came out better than I thought. I have a great imagination when it comes to these type of hangings. I've made them since I was a little hippie girl here in Oceano in the 70's when I'd sell them to the tourists and locals alike to hang outside their beach cottages.

Well, the cottages are giving way now to super duper hotels and apartments. It's so sad to me. I rarely go to downtown Pismo anymore. Just too many people. There used to be a break in the tourists, now it seems there isn't anymore. I'm only into crowds when I'm entertaining or making money. Not to enjoy my leisure time.

Have a good day ALL and don't forget: If you made a mistake yesterday, you can make today better!

Namaste'

A day off to enjoy this beautiful area

We have the car packed with the art we have ready. I've taken pictures of most of it I think. I'm very proud of these pieces that Laurie and I have.

Laurie has been working very hard on masks, paintings, beading and such. I'm very proud of her.

Yesterday we had a blast going to Lake Lopez and Biddle Park. We found ourselves all over the place taking pictures of all the beauty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Vultures

 These were my son Cory's favorite birds when he was a child. He thought they were majestic he was right!

 

 Beautiful Lopez Lake, Ca

 I loved this tree.

 

 A young buck

 

 From our car

 Deer were everywhere with their young enjoying the early evening in Lopez

 

 

 Going down Hwy 1

 The Oceano Valley This scene hasn't changed much since the 70's, but the amount of people who have moved here has exploded.

Everyone wants to move to paradise. Then it gets crowded and changes the quaint little towns into busy cities! I've seen this happen here in Pismo/Oceano/Avila an the surrounding area's.

All the back roads are just as full of people as ever.

The noise and pollution is incredible.

But still it's a wonderful place to be compared to many others.

There is still a small town feel at times and in various places.

 

Going to Biddle Park was wonderful. There were very few people there. We were able to let the dogs run off leash and it was a nice experience.

 

The sirens around Santa Maria are constant anymore. I am amazed how this town has changed in just a few short years. Murder/gangs/Police chiefs ousted and so much more. I long for the quiet and less of everything.

 

Laurie has really been able to see what I've been talking about and think she is so ready to go as well. Just in the year she's been here the mobile home park has changed personal, attitude, and so forth. The town is just not as it once was, but I suppose that is progress.

 

Just looking for a bit less of it.

 

 

It's Sunday and time to rest now

This weekend has really been trying on me personally.

I have to take Pickles to the vet tomorrow morning, and I'm afraid of how much that will cost. She has an infected tooth I think or something going on in her mouth because it has a smell of infection in it. I feel so bad for her. I just hope they can make her comfortable and it hasn't caused too much damage to any of her organs.

Of course, I'm grateful I have the money, but it will take all the money I've saved for the RV, and that's so disheartening. I've tried so hard to work and save the money to get the RV fixed. I've stayed home and not gone anywhere. I've not gone camping, meetings, visiting, nothing. I've scaled down my bills to practically nothing. I have a free cell phone, we have reduced electricity, every thing we can do to lower our bills we do.

It's a depressing day in many ways. I try to keep up beat, but it's really hard when you have a constant reminder that you are NOT out in the woods but in a nasty dirty city. I hate it here. I hate living in a tin box, and how close everyone is to us. This is really hard, but yet I'm managed to keep a fairly good outlook until today. I'm just so done with being a Pollyanna type person. It's hard to see the good from this all. Yes, I should be and am grateful I have the money to take Pickles to the vet, because there were years gone by that I didn't and lost animals.

But still, I can't help but feel a little sorry for myself for having to scrap all this money up to start my dream on getting back on the road, just to have it gone in a moment. I have to start over saving again.

I am working harder now than before I retired. If this is what retirement is about shit, I'm tired! How do I get myself in these places of having to work harder than I choose. ARF!

My needs are so small, so it amazes me how much money it takes to live.

I'm hoping I don't loose entire hope, but I'm about there. I see people that are dark, and mean spirited get rich and live charmed lives while I see people like myself work their asses off and go nowhere. I'm honest and give back as much as possible, while seeing people that lie, cheat and do wrong prosper. I've seen this all my life. My own Mother never drank, or broke the law, and helped all who needed it, while seeing her go through so much in life. She never had peace, nor did anyone treat her with respect. I only know what I've seen. And I've seen the evil ones get ahead while the peacemakers suffer.

I remember being in the Mormon church how I saw people cheating on their spouses, how I was molested as a young girl, how gossip destroyed my reputation, and yet I was a virgin and keeping the so called rules. Then I saw all those people get temple recommends to do 'God's work, while I wasn't able to do it due to MY SINS! Too funny now. How sill is religion? I truly believe it's for the weak minded! I used to think that when I was a young woman, now I know it to be a fact.

People who turn to religion are looking for someone to tell them how to have a relationship with God, those that don't need religion, are those that HAVE a relationship with God and don't need anyone to define it for them.  A personal relationship with God is all you need. Nothing more.

I'm always amazed at all the rituals, gatherings, do this and do that, to make sure you get a place in heaven. How silly is that?

I'm not a sinner, nor will I ever be. I don't belong to this world, I'm just a visitor and I want to be beamed up because it isn't fun here anymore.